No Point of Reference

With each passing day, I’ve come to realize that for the last twenty-five years I have lived in my body, I haven’t really known the skin I’ve lived in. In the sense that I don’t pay attention to something until I’m forced to look at it by way of injury or illness.

The same questions run through my head every time as I try to access memories I do not have. Has this always been this way? Has this changed? What is different about this? Could it be different? Maybe? Or am I just now seeing this for the first time? These questions are better than what I automatically told myself when I was dealing with things as a teenager. I’m going to die. What I’m experiencing will kill me sooner than I wish. Somehow everything leads to death. I’d imagine myself having a different life from this one very minor but must be a life-altering moment for me. Of course, none of what I imagined actually happened and thankfully, my extreme anxiety has morphed into obsessive questioning (I know they both sound bad but at least one seems slightly more productive.)

Because I don’t pay attention to my body and it’s apparent creeks and shapes, when something out of the norm happens, I’m left feeling like a blind duck, waddling down an unfamiliar street. Without a point of reference, I’m left assessing a body part I haven’t paid too much attention to and asking the questions above while reminding myself not to panic, this may have been always been my normal and I just haven’t noticed it until now.

Referencing an old memory with my body when encountering present questioning is never ideal. I overcompensate for lost memories by creating stories in my head that are probably not true but they must be real because they’re the only things that give me comfort in this very moment. My thyroid has always been this size. Of course, my left hip has always popped. I did hear that noise coming from my left side while I was in the air. I can still walk. My eyes can squint again. That’s a stress zit, not a hormonal pimple. Most of these are true, while some are rationalized statements that don’t necessarily add up to the reality I live in but choose to believe at the moment so I don’t return to that younger version of myself.

This year has been a lot. I’ve realized how much I’ve grown and areas of my life where growth could be good for me. One thing I’ve realized from so many unexpected health issues throughout my life is how much I choose to ignore something until I’m forced to feel it. I do this in many aspects in my life, but my body in particular, has made me realize how much of my own skin and bones I do not know out of fear of what could happen if I do acknowledge it. Though I’m no longer a teenager, I must admit that fear and jumping to conclusions still lingers. Forgotten moments don’t help and questioning or telling myself false truths are good for a little while but not for a lifetime. In moments like these, I often wish I knew more about my body so when I’m in pain or something looks or feels off, I know what’s my normal. Maybe by writing this, I can develop reference points that will keep me from worrying as much in the future.

After Thanksgiving

We gathered together with family and friends to remind each other how thankful we are to have the love we’re fortunate to have in our lives. Thankfulness lingers in the air days after the Thursday holiday is done. Games were played, stories were shared, and the dog stole turkey when no one was looking. 

The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years are interesting because it’s a time of closure and transition. It’s the time where the calendar year is coming to a close. Where you begin to realize how fast the year has gone and how it’s almost done.

Christmas lights now light up the night. Soon a tree will be my family’s front room. Pumpkin pie is still in the fridge, slowly being consumed by me and me alone. Friends have gone home and returning to the normal routine is hard for everyone after eating more food in one weekend than most of us probably eat in an entire year.

I’m thankful for so many things that I won’t name here but those of you who know me will know how grateful I am for the love and support I have from you. Without the people in my life,  I don’t know where I would be or who I would be. In the next few weeks between the holidays, take some time to look around you and remind the people you love how much you love them. Just because they know it, it’s always good to remind the people you’re close to how much you care.

Eat the pie, put up the tree, and hide the extra turkey from any dogs or cats. 

When Lies Become Truth, Keep Calling out the Lie

When they don’t like something

they kick you out and throw away the key.

When they don’t like you

they call you a bad person because of your qualities.

When things bad things happen

supporters will rally around you.

When freedom of speech is tested

the people will fight back by calling out the wrongs.

 

Lies are now seen as a perfectly

good option for speaking your mind.

We teach kids that lying is bad

and yet, we have our government hiding the truth.

We have social media platforms

covering up their mistakes instead of making them right.

Thinking about themselves first

and the customers, citizens of earth, second.

 

When did spreading falsehoods become acceptable?

When did we look the other way to red flags?

When did we become the adults we tell our children not to be?

When did lies become another word for truth?

When will adults be held accountable for what they say?

 

This is not normal.

This time we’re living in isn’t the norm.

Don’t get used to it.

Don’t become desensitized.

When lies become truth,

keep calling out the lie.

 

Vote

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THIS IS A REMINDER THAT MIDTERMS ARE TODAY. IF YOU’RE NOT REGISTERED AND YOU CAN STILL DO SO, PLEASE DO! IF YOU’RE NOT REGISTERED AND REGISTRATION HAS CLOSED, PLEASE ENCOURAGE SOMEONE WHO IS TO VOTE TOMORROW!! THIS ELECTION IS IMPORTANT! I CANNOT TELL YOU WHO YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR BUT THINK ABOUT WHERE THE COUNTRY IS AT AND CONSIDER HOW YOUR PERSPECTIVE MAY HAVE CHANGED IN THE LAST TWO YEARS AFTER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED. IF IT HASN’T, I PROBABLY CAN’T CHANGE YOUR MIND. BUT IF YOU HAVE BEEN MOVED OR SHAKEN UP BY THE EVENTS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE CURRENT PRESIDENT WAS ELECTED, PLEASE GET OUT THERE AND VOTE. YOUR VOICE MATTERS. YOUR VOICE IS IMPORTANT. IF YOU WANT TO SEE CHANGE IN THIS COUNTRY, PLEASE GET OUT AND VOTE TODAY, TUESDAY  NOVEMBER SIXTH!

Image result for jenny holzer rejoice

#MeToo, One Year Later

One year ago, I was in a hotel room in New York City, about to leave and take the N train from 42nd street to 23rd street to see the Flatiron building, when I got a notification on my phone from CNN. There was a breaking story on Harvey Weinstein in the New Yorker. The story was by Ronan Farrow and it broke down many tricks and avenues he would take to manipulate and take advantage of women. I showed my mom the headline and she shrugged, continuing to get ready for the day. I sat down on the bed and scrolled through the story, getting chills on my arm from every account I read.

One year ago, I didn’t know the magnitude this story would have on our society. No one did. After so many years in power of Hollywood, no one knew the significant impact the fall of Harvey Weinstein would have our society. No one had seen a man fall from grace this hard and this fast. No one realized that he was the first of many who would follow in his footsteps. I was too preoccupied with seeing the Flatiron building before the remnants of Hurricane Nate rolling through New York to focus on our society breaking into two. A few hours after receiving the notification, I became overly preoccupied with trying to get home through the shitty weather.

It wasn’t until the next day when I was sitting in the hallway, waiting to go into my last class of the day that I understood how this Weinstein story hit a spark in the universe, creating an explosion of women sharing their stories. I was seeing people using the #MeToo on Twitter and Facebook. The more stories I read, the more I felt less alone while at the same time becoming angry by the fact of how common this is and how it took a hashtag for so many women to share their stories public. I was hesitant about sharing my story and after lots of trepidation, I wrote two poems about how the actions of careless boys have impacted my life.

One year has passed since #MeToo spoke to the zeitgeist in a way no one could have ever predicted. We have opened a door we can never close again. One year later, we’re listening to women’s stories and believing what they share, yet we don’t believe them enough to change the old patterns of human history.

Believe Women & Believe Survivors

I’ve been trying to think about how to write this post all day. Last week, this country went through a roller coaster of emotions with the Senate Hearings. Watching Dr. Ford give her testimony and answer questions was emotional for me and many women around the country. She’s an amazing woman for being brave and sharing her story. I cried several times because I, along with a lot of America, could see how the traumatic events she suffered many years ago has impacted her life. It was evident that she did experience a tragic event, whether or not it was by the man she claims is decided from whatever “side” you’re on. I believe what Dr. Ford said. I believe any woman or man who comes forward because it’s a very difficult thing to reveal. It’s not easy and everyone who has experienced a sexual assault or harassment gets to decide whether or not they want to share their stories. The fact that women are being heard and beginning to be taken seriously is a baby step on the long road we still have to go on. Believe women when they speak out. Believe survivors when they speak up. They deserve to be heard and believed.

Crisp in the Air

It’s been fall for two days and I can already feel

the crisp in the air. It makes the hair on my arms

stand up. I breathe in deep breaths to take as much

as this magic in as I can. This is my favorite time of

year because it’s gone in a blink of an eye. It’s delicate,

for this beauty comes from the change of leaving the

earth. Orange leaves stay on the grass until they

get raked up on the weekend.