the end of pride month grief lingers heavy in the summer air I cannot properly put into words how I am feeling still in the midst of processing the weight of the fact that women in this country are not allowed to choose what's best for their bodies
my body aches in places I don't usually feel in trying to adjust for my ankle to heal, I become aware of the toll my body takes in the process. my shins get the brunt of bruising, trying to sit while working leads to bumping into shelves and solid structures finding comfort for my left side causes a trail of marks on my right side. my hips hurt from leaning on one side, making sure the swelling isn't bad is fills me with worry and panic. I call people by their wrong names and repeat myself over and over, my thoughts have succumbed to the worst case scenario. I listen to my ankle, I ice, elevate, and take ibuprofen as needed. It doesn't swell or bruise like I feared. It slowly heals on the days I can rest on the couch or in my bed. in these moments, I am reminded I am not in control and I still have a lot to learn.
a state of awareness brought on by breathing my skin is red from the heat of this bath I massage my neck with my finger tips and slip into nothingness, happy I watch my thoughts drift away I move the water around me I breathe in through my belly I hold my breath I release the air out gently when life around me becomes too crazy, no time to breathe or think or talk, I try to remember to be aware of how I'm feeling before overwhelm swallows me whole
How many kids have to die in school in order for change to happen? I am tired of seeing the same news cycle trying to in-act some type of change but nothing works. Nothing works. Why? Why do these events keep occurring and we're left hopeless? Why do parents keep on losing their kids this way? Why must drills be put in place that don't work? I am tired of hoping for change that doesn't come. I feel hopeless against the people who have the power to change things. I am tired of seeing people protesting for those who lost their lives on my Twitter. Because nothing happens. Nothing changes. Our voices are loud but they only hear mumbles. How many kids have to die in school in order for change to happen?
Nights spent waiting for the dog to bark again. He's lost his center to the dark. I wake up at two three four in the morning and try to get him to calm down. For someone with anxiety, I don't do a good job at comforting him. I'm short with him, I yell, I get frustrated too easily. I give him distractions to ease his anxiety. Nothing I do or say sinks into him. I can see it in his eyes, he's not there. He's in another reality filled with only his worries.
The seasons have changed once again somehow I've missed it. I didn't enjoy the autumn leaves like I normally do. And winter...well, winter came and went, the lack of snowstorms made time move faster than the average year. I can tell it's spring by my stuffy nose and puffy eyes, I always forget I have seasonal allegories until pollen is flying in the air. I am trying to admire the flowers growing on the trees, pink and white buds. I took one photo of them while a man sitting in the car in front of the tree watched. I haven't written a poem in a while, it's been a minute. I've been busy trying to stay afloat. My mental health constantly changes. One moment I'm well, the next I'm just hanging in there. Trying to get through the day. Physically I've hit a good stride, I knock on the wood next to me after I write the line above.
you were a cat who was always involved, who wasn't afraid of anything. time took away your fearlessness but your personality remained strong as ever until the very end. you were a cat who demanded to be heard, you meowed like an old man who smoked too many cigarettes, i swear you were a smoker in a past life. you were a cat who always came when i called, who loved being scratched and adored, you would bat my hand as I tried to walk away, telling me to stay. most of the time i did. you were a cat who loved a good nap. whether it was basking in the sun or cuddling in front of the fire with the dog, you soaked up every second of sleep you got. i was your person, someone you could always count on for love and safety. you were a rare kind of cat, my best friend for over 15 years, more than half my life. i held you in my arms until the very last moment, you didn't budge or tried to run. you dug your claws deep into my sweatshirt you leaned your head against my chest. i kissed your head and told you i love you, i will always love you. i will always love you. i will always love you, mikey, best cat ever.
Update – 4/6/22
Yesterday, my mom got an unexpected voicemail from the vet. They told us we could come pick up Mikey’s paw print. We weren’t expecting to get a paw print and to say it made us cry is an understatement. Grief over a pet that was in my daily life comes in waves. He was and will forever be the best cat ever.
I don't like rollercoasters. I don't seek them out, I don't ride them, they're not my thing. So how did I end up riding a rollercoaster through the trees at Copper Mountain? About a month ago, I saw a TikTok. Things you can do in CO! Hidden gems as one might say. I sent it to a friend and wrote, doesn't this look fun? Sarcasm doesn't translate over text. She replied, yeah! we should do that! My first thought was, no! Are you crazy? I would never do that! But the more I thought about it and spoke with people about it, I thought maybe it was something I could do. We found a day where neither of us were working and we looked to make sure the weather was good. We went and I had fun! It's something I wouldn't have done but I'm glad I did. I proved to myself that I'm capable of doing things I'm afraid of and having a good time.
The shortest month of the year has felt like the longest month in history. Okay, not in history but how are we still in only the second month of the year?? It's been almost two years of this pandemic and it feels like a decade has gone by. This was supposed to be the roaring twenties! We haven't had a normal year since 2019.
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