10:23 pm

my window is closed
I can hear the cicadas
chirping loudly tonight
drowning out the usual
quiet of august evenings,
the rain this afternoon
startled the whole house
the dog ran from the bathroom
to the closet nonstop
for thirty minutes like
a spy trying to hide
darting from one 
dark space to the other,
my heart skipped a beat
during the brief moments
where I felt the house
sway out of place,
soon a night storm
will patter on the roof
as I fall asleep.

end of june blues

the end of pride month
grief lingers heavy
in the summer air
I cannot properly put 
into words how I am feeling
still in the midst of processing
the weight of the fact that women 
in this country are not allowed to
choose what's best for their bodies

adjusting

my body aches in places I don't usually feel
in trying to adjust for my ankle to heal,
I become aware of the toll my body takes
in the process.

my shins get the brunt of bruising,
trying to sit while working leads to
bumping into shelves and solid structures
finding comfort for my left side causes
a trail of marks on my right side.

my hips hurt from leaning on one side,
making sure the swelling isn't bad is
fills me with worry and panic. I call people
by their wrong names and repeat
myself over and over, my thoughts have succumbed
to the worst case scenario.

I listen to my ankle, I ice, elevate, and take
ibuprofen as needed. It doesn't swell or bruise
like I feared. It slowly heals on the days
I can rest on the couch or in my bed.

in these moments, I am reminded I am not
in control and I still have a lot to learn.


mindfulness

a state of awareness brought on by breathing

my skin is red from the heat of this bath
I massage my neck with my finger tips
and slip into nothingness, happy

I watch my thoughts drift away
I move the water around me
I breathe in through my belly
I hold my breath
I release the air out gently

when life around me becomes too crazy,
no time to breathe or think or talk,
I try to remember to be aware of 
how I'm feeling before overwhelm
swallows me whole

Tired

How many kids have to die in school
in order for change to happen?

I am tired of seeing the same news cycle
trying to in-act some type of change
but nothing works.

Nothing works. Why? 

Why do these events keep
occurring and we're left hopeless?

Why do parents keep on 
losing their kids this way?

Why must drills be put in place
that don't work?

I am tired of hoping for change
that doesn't come.

I feel hopeless against the people
who have the power to change things.

I am tired of seeing people
protesting for those who lost
their lives on my Twitter.

Because nothing happens.
Nothing changes.

Our voices are loud but
they only hear mumbles.

How many kids have to die in school
in order for change to happen?

Lost Dog

Nights spent waiting for 
the dog to bark again.
He's lost his center to the dark.
I wake up at two three four
in the morning and try to 
get him to calm down.
For someone with anxiety,
I don't do a good job
at comforting him.
I'm short with him, I yell,
I get frustrated too easily.
I give him distractions
to ease his anxiety.
Nothing I do or say
sinks into him.
I can see it in his eyes,
he's not there.
He's in another reality
filled with only his worries. 

It’s Been A Minute

The seasons have changed once again
somehow I've missed it.
I didn't enjoy the autumn leaves
like I normally do.
And winter...well, winter came and went,
the lack of snowstorms made time
move faster than the average year.

I can tell it's spring by my stuffy nose
and puffy eyes, I always forget
I have seasonal allegories until
pollen is flying in the air.
I am trying to admire the flowers
growing on the trees, pink and white buds.
I took one photo of them while a man
sitting in the car in front of
the tree watched.

I haven't written a poem in a while,
it's been a minute. 

I've been busy trying to stay afloat.
My mental health constantly changes.
One moment I'm well, the next
I'm just hanging in there.
Trying to get through the day.
Physically I've hit a good stride,
I knock on the wood next to me
after I write the line above.

For Mikey

you were a cat who was always involved,
who wasn't afraid of anything.
time took away your fearlessness
but your personality remained
strong as ever until the very end.

you were a cat who demanded
to be heard, you meowed like
an old man who smoked too many
cigarettes, i swear you were
a smoker in a past life.

you were a cat who always came when i called,
who loved being scratched and adored,
you would bat my hand
as I tried to walk away,
telling me to stay.
most of the time i did.

you were a cat who loved a good nap.
whether it was basking in the sun
or cuddling in front of the fire 
with the dog, you soaked up
every second of sleep you got.

i was your person, 
someone you could always count on 
for love and safety.
you were a rare kind of cat,
my best friend for over 15 years,
more than half my life. 

i held you in my arms 
until the very last moment,
you didn't budge or tried to run.
you dug your claws deep into my sweatshirt
you leaned your head against my chest.
i kissed your head and told you i love you,
i will always love you.
i will always love you.
i will always love you, 
mikey, best cat ever.

Update – 4/6/22

Yesterday, my mom got an unexpected voicemail from the vet. They told us we could come pick up Mikey’s paw print. We weren’t expecting to get a paw print and to say it made us cry is an understatement. Grief over a pet that was in my daily life comes in waves. He was and will forever be the best cat ever.

3/30/22

Mountain Rollercoaster

I don't like rollercoasters.
I don't seek them out,
I don't ride them,
they're not my thing.

So how did I end up riding
a rollercoaster through
the trees at Copper Mountain?

About a month ago, I saw a TikTok.
Things you can do in CO!
Hidden gems as one might say.

I sent it to a friend and wrote,
doesn't this look fun?
Sarcasm doesn't translate over text.

She replied, yeah! we should do that!
My first thought was, no!
Are you crazy?
I would never do that!

But the more I thought about it
and spoke with people about it,
I thought maybe it was something
I could do.

We found a day where neither of us
were working and we looked to make sure
the weather was good.

We went and I had fun!
It's something I wouldn't have done
but I'm glad I did. I proved to myself 
that I'm capable of doing things
I'm afraid of and having a good time.