Thoughts I Had at Sunset Cliffs

The other day, I walked around Sunset Cliffs and people-watched. Here are some of the thoughts I had while I was there.

These people on the rocks were jumping in then somehow getting back up on the rocks. I wouldn’t jump in but I watched in awe from afar at those who felt brave enough to try. Everyone I saw jump in the water successfully made it back up.

Walking down here requires a trust in one’s own balance. I do not have that trust,

The people far out on those rocks looked like they were having a good time. I was worried they would slip. But the path to get down there was really steep so it seemed like they willing to take that risk.

People watching a sail boat in the distance while hanging their feet off the edge.

Little Things

Talking to chickens like they are people.
Asking a neighbor to help deal with a bee.
Flinging bees out of a pool,
hoping they're dead.
Sitting on the deck with
a tea and a book.
Cloudy days.
Weekends
Saturday smoothies.
Marks on my cheeks from face masks.
FaceTiming with friends.
FaceTiming with my cat.
FaceTiming with my mom and dad.
Missing my cat.
Reading books.
Giving up on books.
Realizing rereading some books
takes away the magic I felt when
I read them for the first time.
Falling asleep to the
sound of Netflix or Friends.
Watching film and tv shows
about women writers
who could be gay in the 1800s.
Buying more crystals.
Browsing bookstores,
leaving empty-handed.
Blocking Instagram.
Having an idea.
Writing it down.
Not writing it down.
Watching YouTube instead.
Writing poetry.
Submitting poetry.
Enjoying my own company.
Remembering to drink water.
Remembering to wear sunscreen.
Remembering to reapply sunscreen.
Taking a different highway home.
Driving down roads with palm tress
on both sides never gets old.

What I’ve Been Clicking On – Part 9

  1. New Yorker – Sally Rooney on Labor and Desire
  2. This tweet from Sparknotes that transported me back to English class in high school.
  3. Demi Lovato’s interview with Jojo Siwa
  4. Kate Beckinsale’s conversation on Armchair Expert
  5. Good Trade – I Just Need To Stop Saying “Just”…Right?
  6. This adorable photo of a kitten.
  7. Ashley C. Ford’s Powerful Memoir, Somebody’s Daughter
  8. USA Today – How we have failed Millie Bobby Brown
  9. Ed Vebell, 1950’s.
  10. In case you need to hear it tonight:

Eyes On Fire

I wear sunglasses at night
it's too early to go to sleep
my eyes are on fire
and there's nothing I can do.
I've learned frustration
only leads to defeat
and I won't feel bad
about something I have
no control over.
I sit on the bed
with the lights off
waiting for my eyes
to stop crying.
It takes a few minutes
but slowly they begin
to calm in the dark.
I know eye drops
make my eyes
freak out more,
rubbing them
isn't an option,
and light makes
them itchy.
It's an itch
I cannot scratch,
a fire that only
goes out with time.
I watch,
make do,
adjust,
stay calm,
breathe,
and remember this
isn't the first or last
time this will happen.
And this fire won't
burn forever.
I patiently wait
 for it to pass.

What I’ve Been Clicking On – Part 8

  1. The New York Times – For June Jordan and Muriel Rukeyser, the Arc of Moral Verse Bent Toward Justice
  2. Far Out – The songs Bob Dylan has played live the most
  3. Twitter – This beautiful summer sunset.
  4. The New York Times – He Couldn’t Remember That We Broke Up
  5. Twitter – Reminder
  6. Podcast – We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle – QUEER FREEDOM: How can we be both held and free?
  7. The New York Times – Overlooked No More: Eve Adams, Writer Who Gave Lesbians a Voice
  8. Twitter – #FRIENDS ONCE SCREAMED
  9. Book – Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi
  10. Poem – Born. Living. Will. Die. by Camonghne Felix

Sun Tired

The sun has zapped all of my energy.
I’m a shell of a human being.
Where did I go?
To sleep in my thoughts
while my body leans against a couch,
staring at nothing in particular,
wondering what time it is with
no way to check.
Only the simple questions
remain, emotions have been
drained from the my body,
leaving every interaction
feeling less than fantastic,
it’s something I will regret
after I say leave for the night,
unsure if the impression
I left was the one I wanted..

Both Things Can Be True

For so many years, I lived in fear
of what other people have to say.
I was always afraid of what
could happen if I spoke my truth.

If I shared something, what
would people think?
What would they say?
What would the inevitable
response be?

Recently, I realized it
doesn't matter what other
people think.
If they support me,
they support me and
I appreciate the love.
If they don't, it says
more about them than
it does it about me.

Letting go of the boundary
I had created out of fear
gave me more love and support
than I ever thought was possible.
 
I learned that telling
my truth isn't as scary
as my anxiety tells me it is.

I can put myself out there,
still have anxiety, and
feel extraordinarily grateful
all that the same time.

I can take down the boundary,
do the thing I'm scared to do
while feeling the fear,
and appreciate the beautiful view.
Both things can be true.

What I’ve Been Clicking On – Part 7

Bonus – A random tweet I sent out somehow got a lot of attention.

Ah, the Internet. Gotta love it.

A Truth About Me

MoMA 2018
Five years ago, I began to explore
a truth about me I had buried
all my life. I'm gay.

When I was young, I didn't know
anyone who was gay.
I knew I was different
because I was gay.
And because being different
was weird as a kid,
I convinced myself I liked boys
because it was easier than
being different. 

As a teenager, very few people
were out in my high school.
It wasn't like how it is now.
So I told myself I wasn't gay
and carried on like
I was like everyone else.
But I'm not like everyone else
and that's okay.

Three years ago, I began
coming out to my family and friends.
I was met with love and acceptance
from those who I told.
My mom even said she knew
before I told her.

The LGBTQ+ community is becoming
more accepted,
society is slowly changing.
Though we still have a
long way to go.

For me, pride month is a reminder
that it's okay to be myself.
That I don't have to live up
to anyone else's standards
but my own. And that's a
beautiful thing.

Happy Pride Month!!! 

Mikey And Me

Mikey
Sitting in the shade with Mikey
on the back deck.
I'm reading a book,
he's under my legs.
He looks so peaceful
drifting in and out of sleep.
I sip my chai latte
and watch pollen 
float through the air.
One lands on my cat,
another lands on my dress.
I cover my cup to protect my drink.
Mikey wakes when birds chirp
or children scream.
An airplane flies overhead
that I cannot see.