Once again, I'm dealing with a shift of something I cannot control. My eyes are at the mercy of time and decrease swelling. This last week, I've noticed an increase of in double vision. In looking at my phone or reading a book, words split suddenly. This morning, I woke up to a reality hovering over each other. Everything on my floor was either stretched or doubled. I haven't experienced looking forward with double vision. Certainly not when waking up. It's always been looking up. I want to document these changes as they happen. I had another poem for today but that changed. It's always an unsettling reality to live in. Experiencing new double vision is never not jarring. I have hope that this is another step closer. Another step to being done with this disease.
I’m surrounded by people. I do not speak. I half-listen as my mind bounces around from one thought to another. I catch words here and there. I clap and don’t realize I’m clapping. Awareness allows me to settle into the moment. It takes several tries and I’m still not sure I got it. I check my phone. I turn off my phone. I adjust my purse that’s resting on my leg. I try to make sense of what is said. When I recognize a word, I understand begin to get it. I get down on myself for not being more educated. I spiral, come back, and adjust within a moment. I settle in, sip some water, and laugh when it’s appropriate. My stomach gurgles. I decide to wait until this is over to eat. I grasp what I want to hear and continue on my way. I’m now talking and somehow unaware of my words. My mind has wandered off, only vaguely keeping tabs on the conversation. When I walk away, I realize I spoke too much, I remind myself to be mindful to allow my mind to stay present. The more I'm aware, the easier I can find a balance. This is what I tell myself, hoping it will one day stick.
breathe in breathe out through the belly close my eyes focus on nothing calm the mind stop overthinking i'm healing my body is doing what it's supposed to do things are improving round up my distractions they no longer serve me their familiarity isn't comforting like breathing is in and out in and out distractions don't cause my feelings to magically leave pushing them away does not make them go away belly breathing allows me to acknowledge how i feel while calming them down i'm healing i will be okay inhale exhale inhale exhale
My body remembers feeling the pain. I wasn't supposed to feel pain. And yet, it's ingrained in my body. Something went wrong. Nothing's wrong now. And yet, I'm crying. The fear my body holds is visceral. My brain tries to calm me down. It does not work. I keep crying, I breathe. I panic. I breathe. I panic. Back and forth. Back and forth. I'm 26. I'm 12. I'm 26. I'm 12. I scream. My body's response. The memory plays. My body remembers. I'm aware of the why. My brain is calm. My brain is silent. My body shakes.
I sit in a room with my legs crossed and my hands on my knees. I’m focused on my breath, trying hard to ignore my racing thoughts. The music is relaxing and the yoga teacher is the only one who is speaking. Her presence is calming and trusting. I feel safe. I’m trying to get my mind to feel the same. Halfway through the class, my thoughts halt. I’m left with a quiet mind. It’s a very rare experience for me. After yoga, my mind remains quiet. Everything that captured my attention before class quickly washes away. My mind isn’t rushing or holding onto burdening thoughts. I’m present, I’m relaxed, I’m quiet. I don’t speak. I sit on my bed with a heating pad on my shoulder, taking refugee in these rare moments of solace within myself.
gain control of
When the body is in pain, all you can do is listen.
Listen to what your body is telling you.
Slowing down helps the body recover.
It’s not always easy or fun
but it’s important to be patient
with your body in the midst of pain
and do what you can to help yourself heal.