No Point of Reference

With each passing day, I’ve come to realize that for the last twenty-five years I have lived in my body, I haven’t really known the skin I’ve lived in. In the sense that I don’t pay attention to something until I’m forced to look at it by way of injury or illness.

The same questions run through my head every time as I try to access memories I do not have. Has this always been this way? Has this changed? What is different about this? Could it be different? Maybe? Or am I just now seeing this for the first time? These questions are better than what I automatically told myself when I was dealing with things as a teenager. I’m going to die. What I’m experiencing will kill me sooner than I wish. Somehow everything leads to death. I’d imagine myself having a different life from this one very minor but must be a life-altering moment for me. Of course, none of what I imagined actually happened and thankfully, my extreme anxiety has morphed into obsessive questioning (I know they both sound bad but at least one seems slightly more productive.)

Because I don’t pay attention to my body and it’s apparent creeks and shapes, when something out of the norm happens, I’m left feeling like a blind duck, waddling down an unfamiliar street. Without a point of reference, I’m left assessing a body part I haven’t paid too much attention to and asking the questions above while reminding myself not to panic, this may have been always been my normal and I just haven’t noticed it until now.

Referencing an old memory with my body when encountering present questioning is never ideal. I overcompensate for lost memories by creating stories in my head that are probably not true but they must be real because they’re the only things that give me comfort in this very moment. My thyroid has always been this size. Of course, my left hip has always popped. I did hear that noise coming from my left side while I was in the air. I can still walk. My eyes can squint again. That’s a stress zit, not a hormonal pimple. Most of these are true, while some are rationalized statements that don’t necessarily add up to the reality I live in but choose to believe at the moment so I don’t return to that younger version of myself.

This year has been a lot. I’ve realized how much I’ve grown and areas of my life where growth could be good for me. One thing I’ve realized from so many unexpected health issues throughout my life is how much I choose to ignore something until I’m forced to feel it. I do this in many aspects in my life, but my body in particular, has made me realize how much of my own skin and bones I do not know out of fear of what could happen if I do acknowledge it. Though I’m no longer a teenager, I must admit that fear and jumping to conclusions still lingers. Forgotten moments don’t help and questioning or telling myself false truths are good for a little while but not for a lifetime. In moments like these, I often wish I knew more about my body so when I’m in pain or something looks or feels off, I know what’s my normal. Maybe by writing this, I can develop reference points that will keep me from worrying as much in the future.

After Thanksgiving

We gathered together with family and friends to remind each other how thankful we are to have the love we’re fortunate to have in our lives. Thankfulness lingers in the air days after the Thursday holiday is done. Games were played, stories were shared, and the dog stole turkey when no one was looking. 

The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years are interesting because it’s a time of closure and transition. It’s the time where the calendar year is coming to a close. Where you begin to realize how fast the year has gone and how it’s almost done.

Christmas lights now light up the night. Soon a tree will be my family’s front room. Pumpkin pie is still in the fridge, slowly being consumed by me and me alone. Friends have gone home and returning to the normal routine is hard for everyone after eating more food in one weekend than most of us probably eat in an entire year.

I’m thankful for so many things that I won’t name here but those of you who know me will know how grateful I am for the love and support I have from you. Without the people in my life,  I don’t know where I would be or who I would be. In the next few weeks between the holidays, take some time to look around you and remind the people you love how much you love them. Just because they know it, it’s always good to remind the people you’re close to how much you care.

Eat the pie, put up the tree, and hide the extra turkey from any dogs or cats. 

This Time of Year is Magic

I’m all about focusing on the little things. Thinking about what makes me happy has gotten me through these turbulent last few years. This time of year, in particular, is magic. There’s something about this moment when Thanksgiving is right around the corner, Christmas ads have been playing for over a month (thankfully, I love Reese Witherspoon), and the year has gone by in a blink of an eye that makes me feel different. It’s definitely a good different but I’ve been feeling this warm magical feeling more this year than I have in the past. 

For those of you who know my writing know how much I love to focus on the little things. Those of you who do not know my writing, you will learn this rather quickly. I’ve written this many, many times but I feel like the more you focus on what makes you happy, the happier you will be. So, in honor of feeling these magical feelings, here’s a list of what’s making me happy right now.

Christmas music. Like a cozy blanket that comforts my soul.

Christmas lights. Light up the night as magic fills the air.

Christmas movies. Old reminders of my childhood.

Hot chocolate. Caramel. Milk. Dark.

Warm fires. Spending the afternoon reading a book with my back to the flames.

Pumpkin. Pumpkin pies. Pumpkin Spice Latte. Pumpkin tea.

Peppermint. Peppermint drinks. Candy Canes.

Thanksgiving food. Sweet Potato Something. Corn bread pudding. STUFFING! STUFFING!! STUFFING!!!!!!!!!!

Books. Three books from the Strand and one from BN. 

Stories. I have yet to write. I have yet to think of. 

Writing. This list with a blanket covering my legs. Thinking of an essay I could write.

Potential Oscar movies. A Star is Born. Bohemian Rhapsody. A Beautiful Boy.

Essays. Both personal and educational about people I cannot relate to.

Home. A purring, old cat. Laughter. Football on in the background.

When Lies Become Truth, Keep Calling out the Lie

When they don’t like something

they kick you out and throw away the key.

When they don’t like you

they call you a bad person because of your qualities.

When things bad things happen

supporters will rally around you.

When freedom of speech is tested

the people will fight back by calling out the wrongs.

 

Lies are now seen as a perfectly

good option for speaking your mind.

We teach kids that lying is bad

and yet, we have our government hiding the truth.

We have social media platforms

covering up their mistakes instead of making them right.

Thinking about themselves first

and the customers, citizens of earth, second.

 

When did spreading falsehoods become acceptable?

When did we look the other way to red flags?

When did we become the adults we tell our children not to be?

When did lies become another word for truth?

When will adults be held accountable for what they say?

 

This is not normal.

This time we’re living in isn’t the norm.

Don’t get used to it.

Don’t become desensitized.

When lies become truth,

keep calling out the lie.

 

Vote

Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th.

THIS IS A REMINDER THAT MIDTERMS ARE TODAY. IF YOU’RE NOT REGISTERED AND YOU CAN STILL DO SO, PLEASE DO! IF YOU’RE NOT REGISTERED AND REGISTRATION HAS CLOSED, PLEASE ENCOURAGE SOMEONE WHO IS TO VOTE TOMORROW!! THIS ELECTION IS IMPORTANT! I CANNOT TELL YOU WHO YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR BUT THINK ABOUT WHERE THE COUNTRY IS AT AND CONSIDER HOW YOUR PERSPECTIVE MAY HAVE CHANGED IN THE LAST TWO YEARS AFTER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED. IF IT HASN’T, I PROBABLY CAN’T CHANGE YOUR MIND. BUT IF YOU HAVE BEEN MOVED OR SHAKEN UP BY THE EVENTS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE CURRENT PRESIDENT WAS ELECTED, PLEASE GET OUT THERE AND VOTE. YOUR VOICE MATTERS. YOUR VOICE IS IMPORTANT. IF YOU WANT TO SEE CHANGE IN THIS COUNTRY, PLEASE GET OUT AND VOTE TODAY, TUESDAY  NOVEMBER SIXTH!

Image result for jenny holzer rejoice

Meeting in the Middle

As many people have stated, we’re living in difficult times. There seems to be a shooting more often than not and nothing is being done to stop these vile people from carrying out these terrible attacks. I was overhearing what was happening on the news the other day since I don’t watch it anymore, and I heard Don Lemon say something along the lines of, “if the gun laws don’t change, if this division continues, this will be the end of America as we know it.” Those words should not be taken lightly.

I go to church to write. I don’t know why but I find peace being able to hear someone speak about something while I sit in the audience writing. I normally never bring my phone in because it’s a distraction. But lately, I’ve been wondering if I should bring my phone in for safety. After what happened last Saturday in Pennslyvania, the next day, I sat in the car in the church parking lot for a good minute or so debating with myself on whether or not I should bring in my phone. Ultimately, I decided against it because it will only be a distraction. But the fact that I even have to consider bringing my phone is jarring.

I don’t have the answers but I have many questions. And as the days continue to bring more uncertainty and terror in this country, the list of questions grow. I don’t understand why our government hasn’t made more of an effort to pass gun control laws to protect the next generation from senseless violence. I don’t understand why we choose to focus on differences instead of similarities. I don’t understand why the anger and divide in this country are so apparent when we have so many obvious problems. I don’t understand why our government isn’t acting on changing laws when innocent people are losing their lives. I understand the Republican party has fundamental differences than the Democrats. I understand that nothing will be done to fix this problem with them being the majority in our government. I understand that our differences are seen as deal breakers.

We can believe in different things and still find a way to meet in the middle.

Stumbles in Speech

I am a person who stutters. I’ve stuttered my entire life. I’ve been in speech therapy. I’ve taken medication to help reduce my stutter. I’ve lied to myself, saying that I don’t have a stutter.

My stutter hasn’t gone away. I’m now 25 and I still stutter. Some people grow out of their stutter. I’m not one of those people. Stuttering isn’t curable. I don’t stutter because I’m anticipating a word. I’m focused on what I’m saying, not how I say it. Repeating words in my mind three times before I say it out loud is unrealistic. There are too many conversations in a day to repeat everything I say in my head three times before speaking. I avoided eye contact for years because I was scared of seeing how people may react to my stutter. That fear is real but taking back the power allows me to determine how I feel about myself and not anyone else.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m referring to the advice Steve Harvey gave a woman who stutters on his show a couple of weeks ago. I find this video from an article posted by the American Institute for Stuttering that highlights the dangers of Mr. Harvey’s advice. While a lot of the speech therapy I had as a kid wasn’t helpful, this was partly because I wasn’t willing to acknowledge my stutter. As an adult, I have begun to accept my stutter and with the help of AIS, I see my stutter in a new light.

Everyone who stutters has a different relationship to their stutter because no two people stutter the same. Many of the people who stutter as a kid grows out of it by the time they reach adulthood. It’s not uncommon for a person to stutter as a kid and not as an adult. I know that for me, my stutter can shift within a moment. Heightened emotions and situations certainly play a part in how I stutter. I know that my story is a little bit different because I took medication as a teenager to have my stutter “go away.” I spent the majority of my high school and early college years not worrying about my speech. At one point, I even thought I had grown out of it. But when I went off the medication, my stutter came back within a couple of months.

There’s no cure for stuttering. Techniques such as repeating the word in your head before you say it can easily fail. Talking to yourself in a mirror is like talking to yourself any time of the day, you don’t stutter because there’s no stress. It’s not all in your head because stuttering can be caused by much more than just anticipation and sometimes anticipation causes the stutter to go away. It’s not about how much confidence you do or don’t have. It’s not about what you do or don’t tell yourself to get through the day.

Again, this is only from my perspective. There’s no one size fits all for stuttering because everyone who stutters, stutters differently than the person next to them who stutters. Applying a one size fits all method, especially from someone who’s stutter went away, is dangerous because many people stutter their entire lives. And that’s okay.