Surface Thoughts

I watch my cat watch the tv, every time a dog comes on the screen, his pupils get big, I wonder what goes through his mind, what must he be thinking, is the time he fell out the window from the second floor playing in his head, what is a cat’s memory, does he remember the season where he could go outside, can he tell when the night arrives sooner in the day, I try to read his mind, my thoughts come up with options but no conclusions, he will always be a mystery to me, the night is slowly beginning to be pushed back in the day, the new year has flipped forward once more, these thoughts have no home in my head, they come and go in one moment to the next, the ones I captured in this post are ones that come back from long ago, they only appear when I’m grasping for inspiration to write anything, what to write when I have no prompt, nothing to say, avoiding writing something that I’ll give into eventually, I have these thoughts to share with you, the lingering surface thoughts that mask the layered ones, my cat is on the couch beside me, sleeping, afraid of the dog who is staying with us, the dog who encouraged him to fall out the window, with only a small tree to ease his fall, the dog is calm but my cat shakes like a leaf in my arms and hisses at her like he’s facing his worst nightmare when she’s near, he’s purring now, the tv is paused, exhaustion crashes into me like a wave, but I know if I swim now, I will just end up floating on the surface, lost in my thoughts, staring up at the sky that’s fading into the night.

What a Year 2018 Has Been.

This year has felt like it has been five years at the same time it feels like it’s gone by in a blink of an eye. For America, we’ve gone through so many ups and downs that I have forgotten much of what has happened because so much happens every single day. For me personally, I’ve gone through some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows I have ever experienced in this last year.

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s in February. Something I knew was coming but had avoided for much of last year, besides the fact that there were some physical signs that something clearly wasn’t right. That took a while for me to process because it’s a disease you can’t physically see. Acceptance came about a month or so later. Then, in October, after having gained puffy eyes over the summer and seeing double in early fall, I was diagnosed with Grave’s. Most people cannot have both antibodies at one time.

Last week, my doctor told me that I’m a mystery because my numbers aren’t where she suspected they would be at this point. I’ve been through a lot of trials and tribulations in 2018 and unfortunately, I see this continuing into the next year; though I’m hoping it will be a little less intense. My health has been the majority of my lows this year. It’s not fun not knowing what your body is capable of and finding out long after the damage had been done is a tough pill to swallow.

However, a lot of good things have happened this year as well. I published a short film at the beginning of the year. I got TWO pieces published that I’m extremely proud of and so grateful they have found a home. The essay is about how I found writing and the ways it has helped me with my stutter. The poem is about my stutter and how what you hear is only the surface layer of who I am.

I haven’t said this online yet but I might as well share it because it’s something I’ve worked hard on and I’m very proud of. Earlier this year, I finished the first draft of a story that has the possible potential of one day being published as a book AND last month I finished a fifth draft of said story. I’m very happy with how it’s coming along.

On top of all that, a couple of weeks ago, I graduated from college with a BA in English with honors! I never thought that would happen and with everything going on this year, I thought it may not happen. But I’ve worked very hard and so, so happy with finishing my degree.

I’m sure 2019 will be full of new adventures, hardships, and possibilities. I’m excited and ready to see what the next chapter of my life will be. It will be an interesting year. Personally, it will be a big one. As a country, I’m curious to see how much of this year we will remember at this time next year. I’m hoping movements formed these last couple of years continue to speak up and fight for rights in 2019. I hope you all have a safe and great New Year!

The Lingering Cold

I’ve been sick six times this year. For me, that’s a lot. Normally, I get sick once a year. Sneezing for a week or two, maybe lose my voice, and feel crappy. But it doesn’t last. I get my annual cold out of the way with and carry on with my life. 

This year, I’ve continued to get sick. Maybe it’s because I was diagnosed with an autoimmune thyroid disease at the beginning of the year. Maybe it’s because I was diagnosed with a second autoimmune thyroid disease in the fall. Maybe it’s because my immune system has taken a hit with all of the health stuff I’ve dealt with this year. Or maybe I just have terrible luck.

I get congested. I sneeze. I cough. I get too hot, then too cold, then too hot again. I feel like I have a fever when I don’t. I have a sore throat. I lose my voice. I can’t hear anything clearly. I eat cough drops like their candy.

Each day, the cold morphs into something new, impacting a different part of my body. Though I’m very thankful to have just had a common cold (six times), it takes a toll on me. I’m paranoid to be around other people, not wanting to spread my germs to innocent people standing near me. I complain too much about feeling terrible that I feel like people will think I’m either lying or exaggerating. 

Last week, I graduated from college. All I could think about was how miserable I was feeling. We had to stand for an hour and a half before the ceremony and all the noise around me created a buzzing sound in my clogged ears. Halfway through the ceremony, I discovered water under my seat which helped me deal with my very dry mouth. It was hot and the sweater I was wearing wasn’t helping. When someone asked me how I was feeling the morning before the ceremony, all I could say was, “I have a cold.”

It’s not fun being sick, especially for very important moments in your life. Being sick once or twice is not uncommon. Getting the common cold six times in a single calendar year isn’t a walk in the park. It’s important to take care of yourself and that’s what I’m doing now. Wash your hands, drink water, and warn people how you’re feeling before you hug them. It’s the polite thing to do.

Talking in Circles

I don’t know why we continually

repeat ourselves as if the people we’re talking to

haven’t already heard a thousand times before.

We’re a broken record on repeat trying

to convince ourselves what we’re saying

must be true because we’re saying them

the exact same way, refusing to put

the words in any other order.

We continue spinning

even when one of us gets dizzy.

What we see and what we know

are two different concepts.

We don’t claim to know anything

but this back and forth is continuing

like one of us will share something

to make this reality stop rotating.

I have nothing to add anymore,

my stutter has gone silent to the listeners

and I’m not even sure why I’m still here

when I know what has led me to the place

where I can forget the time and space

of what is meant to be getting something done.

I’m done running away from what I cannot change,

from what needs to be arranged. I feel like

I’m beginning to go insane. So I’m jumping ship

to free myself from this horrid habit that has

morphed and shifted one too many times.

Leave me be, I’ll find my way without a boat,

just leave me here to float. The rocking of the waves

is a much needed change from the blurred

reality I’ve known too well.  I need to trust

in my own vision instead of relying

on another story that has already

been written. I need to create my own

stories instead filling my mind

with speculation of realities that

will only exist in my imagination.


No Point of Reference

With each passing day, I’ve come to realize that for the last twenty-five years I have lived in my body, I haven’t really known the skin I’ve lived in. In the sense that I don’t pay attention to something until I’m forced to look at it by way of injury or illness.

The same questions run through my head every time as I try to access memories I do not have. Has this always been this way? Has this changed? What is different about this? Could it be different? Maybe? Or am I just now seeing this for the first time? These questions are better than what I automatically told myself when I was dealing with things as a teenager. I’m going to die. What I’m experiencing will kill me sooner than I wish. Somehow everything leads to death. I’d imagine myself having a different life from this one very minor but must be a life-altering moment for me. Of course, none of what I imagined actually happened and thankfully, my extreme anxiety has morphed into obsessive questioning (I know they both sound bad but at least one seems slightly more productive.)

Because I don’t pay attention to my body and it’s apparent creeks and shapes, when something out of the norm happens, I’m left feeling like a blind duck, waddling down an unfamiliar street. Without a point of reference, I’m left assessing a body part I haven’t paid too much attention to and asking the questions above while reminding myself not to panic, this may have been always been my normal and I just haven’t noticed it until now.

Referencing an old memory with my body when encountering present questioning is never ideal. I overcompensate for lost memories by creating stories in my head that are probably not true but they must be real because they’re the only things that give me comfort in this very moment. My thyroid has always been this size. Of course, my left hip has always popped. I did hear that noise coming from my left side while I was in the air. I can still walk. My eyes can squint again. That’s a stress zit, not a hormonal pimple. Most of these are true, while some are rationalized statements that don’t necessarily add up to the reality I live in but choose to believe at the moment so I don’t return to that younger version of myself.

This year has been a lot. I’ve realized how much I’ve grown and areas of my life where growth could be good for me. One thing I’ve realized from so many unexpected health issues throughout my life is how much I choose to ignore something until I’m forced to feel it. I do this in many aspects in my life, but my body in particular, has made me realize how much of my own skin and bones I do not know out of fear of what could happen if I do acknowledge it. Though I’m no longer a teenager, I must admit that fear and jumping to conclusions still lingers. Forgotten moments don’t help and questioning or telling myself false truths are good for a little while but not for a lifetime. In moments like these, I often wish I knew more about my body so when I’m in pain or something looks or feels off, I know what’s my normal. Maybe by writing this, I can develop reference points that will keep me from worrying as much in the future.

After Thanksgiving

We gathered together with family and friends to remind each other how thankful we are to have the love we’re fortunate to have in our lives. Thankfulness lingers in the air days after the Thursday holiday is done. Games were played, stories were shared, and the dog stole turkey when no one was looking. 

The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years are interesting because it’s a time of closure and transition. It’s the time where the calendar year is coming to a close. Where you begin to realize how fast the year has gone and how it’s almost done.

Christmas lights now light up the night. Soon a tree will be my family’s front room. Pumpkin pie is still in the fridge, slowly being consumed by me and me alone. Friends have gone home and returning to the normal routine is hard for everyone after eating more food in one weekend than most of us probably eat in an entire year.

I’m thankful for so many things that I won’t name here but those of you who know me will know how grateful I am for the love and support I have from you. Without the people in my life,  I don’t know where I would be or who I would be. In the next few weeks between the holidays, take some time to look around you and remind the people you love how much you love them. Just because they know it, it’s always good to remind the people you’re close to how much you care.

Eat the pie, put up the tree, and hide the extra turkey from any dogs or cats. 

Vote

Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th. Vote today November 6th.

THIS IS A REMINDER THAT MIDTERMS ARE TODAY. IF YOU’RE NOT REGISTERED AND YOU CAN STILL DO SO, PLEASE DO! IF YOU’RE NOT REGISTERED AND REGISTRATION HAS CLOSED, PLEASE ENCOURAGE SOMEONE WHO IS TO VOTE TOMORROW!! THIS ELECTION IS IMPORTANT! I CANNOT TELL YOU WHO YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR BUT THINK ABOUT WHERE THE COUNTRY IS AT AND CONSIDER HOW YOUR PERSPECTIVE MAY HAVE CHANGED IN THE LAST TWO YEARS AFTER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED. IF IT HASN’T, I PROBABLY CAN’T CHANGE YOUR MIND. BUT IF YOU HAVE BEEN MOVED OR SHAKEN UP BY THE EVENTS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE CURRENT PRESIDENT WAS ELECTED, PLEASE GET OUT THERE AND VOTE. YOUR VOICE MATTERS. YOUR VOICE IS IMPORTANT. IF YOU WANT TO SEE CHANGE IN THIS COUNTRY, PLEASE GET OUT AND VOTE TODAY, TUESDAY  NOVEMBER SIXTH!

Image result for jenny holzer rejoice