Kelly Severseike

What Would Joan Didion Do?

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”
Joan Didion

When I read on Twitter last Thursday that Joan Didion had died, I was shocked. I kept on thinking, Joan Didion is dead. I don’t know why my brain kept on repeating that sentence as my body began to process the information that one of the women who inspired me to start writing had passed away.

Didion was 87. Her death hit me in an unexpected way. She played a significant part on why I began writing in my early 20s. I was assigned to read her essay Why I Write in a creative writing class in college the first week of summer semester in 2014. A quote from that essay has been on the header of my blog for several years now.

Didion processed culture, grief, mental illness with honesty. She never shied away from hard topics. She wrote about difficult situations as way to process them. I write because I too want to figure out how I’m feeling about something. Writing is a coping mechanism during rough times. It helps me makes sense of situations and emotions. She taught me how to write without shying away from my feelings. Being honest about a topic helps the reader connect to your work.

Her writing and voice has stayed with me throughout the years. I’ve turned to her books and essays time and time again as tough times in my life and in society have happened. She’s been a touchstone for me. Her Netflix documentary is my favorite documentary. I get something new each time I watch it. I watched it again yesterday and felt a sense of hope wash over me.

I will forever appreciate Joan Didion’s writing. How she used language and voice to tell difficult stories. She captured the times in a society that felt uncertain, much like how it feels today. The way she told her internal stories with her own struggles of mental illness and relationships. She’s an icon for a reason and she will be remembered as one.

End of the Year Observations

The noise that overtook my thoughts
slowly faded into a gentle silence.
The cat purred in my presence
as he drifted off into dreams.
Christmas lights hung from the trees
lit up the warm winter nights.
One text distracted me from my anxiety.
Anticipation for a moment was worse
than the moment itself.
We're almost in 2022,
I'm still processing 2019.

Up The Hill

I ran up the hill before the others could follow.
I held onto the leash connected to my dog.
He kept me going. It’s the only way I could get up
without feeling the air escape from my lungs.
It gave me time to move forward without thinking. 
We passed families carrying down Christmas trees,
I leaned against the side of the path.
I refused to give in to the lack of oxygen,
not until I had time to get it back, 
not until I was at the top.
We round the bend.
I collapse (sit) on a dirt hill. 
My lungs struggle to find air. I smile.
I made it to the top and now I can rest.

A Writer’s Problem

I was busy focusing on my work
when an idea leaped into my head.
It was a line for a possible poem.
I began to daydream of all the lines
that would come after. When I realized
I wasn’t in a place where I could write
it down, I told myself I’d remember it
later and I’d write it down then. Well…
later came and went and my idea
vanished from my head as soon as
I focused back at the task at hand.
I guess it wasn’t as good as I thought.

November

Tomorrow would have been my birthday
had I been born on my due date.
I'm writing this the night before thanksgiving.
It's strange to think in an alternate universe,
my birthday falls on a national holiday
every few years instead of in late August.
I think I would feel gypped if I had to
celebrate my arrival into life on a day
where everyone else is celebrating something else.
I will never know that feeling, but I think about it
more often than I'd ever admit. Not in a longing way,
I will never know the version of me
in the alternate universe.
I am not her and she is not me.

A Reminder

Autumn arrived when I wasn't looking.
I was too busy adjusting and daydreaming
to see the beauty that was emerging around me.
I didn't feel the anticipatory feeling of my
favorite season the way I'm used to.
On Saturday, I looked out my window
and the leaves were bright yellow!
I stopped in shock and amazement at how quickly
time can move when I'm not paying attention.
A reminder from the universe -
always appreciate the beauty of the present
before it gets blown away in the wind.

Trip to Greenville

A few weeks ago, I took a day trip with my aunt and uncle up to Greenville, Maine. We drove around and had lunch near the lake at a place called the Stress Free Moose. We entered the restaurant and the bar was packed with people. On a Tuesday afternoon! We ate outside and people-watched as people and families walk in and out of the bar. Our server was a natural comedian and made us laugh throughout the meal. I had a BLT with avocado. My aunt killed a bee that landed on the table while I ran away. Afterwards, we drove around the lake and marveled at the spectacular views of Maine in early fall.

Reading By The Lake

Late September, early fall, crisp in the air. Center Pond, Maine, late-afternoon. I sit by the lake with a jacket and boots on, kindle in my hand. The leaves across the way are changing. The slight breeze in the air drops the temperature, but the sun blaring in my eyes allows some warmth to stay. This is my happy place. This is where I’ve been waiting two years to be. I’m here once again. I’ve never heard quiet so loud. I could hear a leaf fall feet away from me. I read a few chapters of one book before switching to another. This is the perfect reading place.

Quiet Plane Ride

I never realized how quiet plane rides are until recently. I took an early morning flight last Saturday. The plane wasn’t full. All the passengers were told to spread out. I sat by a window and pulled down the shade. A woman sat by the aisle, leaving the middle seat free. I spent the two hour flight drifting in and out of sleep. There was turbulence but I was too tired to worry. The plane jerked around. My body remained in a zen state when awake. My mind didn’t register the movement as alarming, just a normal part of flying up high. The quiet plane ride was a reminder that life doesn’t always have to be go-go-go. Disconnected from the world and my phone, I could sit with my thoughts in peace.