Trials and Tribulations

When I started my blog a year ago, I didn’t expect to be dealing with the issues I have now. Last year, I was just diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and finishing up my degree in English. These last few months have been defined by my health, particularly my thyroid eye disease. It’s sad but true. Eyes are a huge part of everyone’s life and when they’re sick, it takes a tremendous toll on how one might move about their life.

Last week, I went on a cruise with my dad’s side of the family. While it was great to see other places and learn about different cultures, it’s also difficult to be in the Caribbean when I’m extremely light sensitive. I started the trip with some daily headaches and no real eye problems. But by mid week, I was having a lot of double vision and my eyes were finished with the sun. Trading headaches for burning eyes and double vision wasn’t ideal, to say the least.

Before this last week, I had a few weeks of minimal eye problems. Thyroid eye disease has its ups and downs, some times are better than others. The months before my brief plateau were brutal. A lot of irritation, swelling, and double vision. One thing after another happened. The weeks prior to the cruise, my eyes weren’t my main worry. I certainly had concerns about my eyes going into the trip and how they could react to travel. But they weren’t entirely on the forefront until they began their downward spiral once more.

What these last few months have taught me is to expect the worst and hope for the best. It’s a weird way to live but it’s better to be mentally prepared for something to go wrong so that when it does, I can tread through rocky waters as calmly as possible. And when something does go wrong, I try to find the good in those situations. Things could be worse than they are. At least I can see out of both eyes. This is a difficult moment but it won’t least forever.

Outside of the Box

 Society has a standard for everyone.
 If you’re outside of the cookie cutter 
 Example, then you’re deemed as different.
 As we grow up, we realize we all have our
 Struggles and strides, we're all different in
 Some shape or form. Though, those who
 Are capable of protecting what makes them
 Different are lucky. Those who are able to blend
 In to the normal and can pass don’t have to worry
 About discrimination. 
  
 As Pride Month comes to a close, I was to highlight
 Those who celebrate in the month of June: 
 Lesbians. Gays. Bisexual. Trans. Queer. +.
 Those who choose to live out and proud as well as
 Those who cannot embrace who they are because
 Of the circumstances they’re in.
  
 People of the LGBTQ+ community 
 live outside of the box of societal norms.  
 While they’re embraced by many,
 They’re also scorned for loving someone
 Of the same sex or for embracing who
 They really are.
  
 Living inside the box is boring. 
 Being a cookie cutter version of everyone
 Else isn’t fun or unique.
 Embracing who you are, even to yourself,
 And accepting your differences is beautiful.
  
 There’s no shame in being who you are,
 It’s everyone else who can’t understand you
 Who has it wrong.

Love Isn’t Defined by Gender

 Love isn't defined by gender.

 But we live in a society where
 Many people are still taught
 Love between a man and a woman is natural
 And everything else is sinful.

This teaching is dangerous because 
It leads to shame for those who love people
Outside the heteronormative view.

Acceptance for the LGBTQ+ community has grown
Over the last couple of years
And it's delightful to see so much rainbow
Throughout the month of June.
 
But there are still people
Who are in the closet because they're fearful
Of how their family members will respond, 
Knowing their views aren't loving.

Love is a natural feeling
between people of all sexes,
not just a man and a woman.

Anyone who feels shame and fear,
know that you are not alone.
Anyone who hates gays,
you're living in the dark age.

The Lies You Unlearn

For some people, who they love 
takes time to figure out. 
They are taught by social constructs
that liking someone of the same sex is different. 
As a kid, you don't want to be seen as different, 
you want to fit in with your peers as best you can. 
So you mask who you are for a version of yourself
who manipulates their perspective 
to match how you see everyone else. 
It's a protection mechanism,  
keeping yourself  safe during 
uncertain times (aka: the teenage years). 
It's only as an adult do you
begin to unlearn the lies 
that have been defining your own
perspective your whole life. 
Lies can make you believe
things that aren't true while 
feelings you tried to suppress 
tell you who you really are. 
You learn that it's okay 
to stand out instead of following the crowd. 
The opinion you have of yourself is more important 
than other people's opinions of you.
You learn that most people aren't "normal" 
and telling yourself the truth
of who you are is more liberating 
than you ever could have imagined 
the day you put on the mask.

The Purple Tulip

The purple tulip arrived a week ago
and will not leave. I glare at it through
a mirror reflection, trying to comprehend
how it might have appeared at this time
eight days ago. No one warned me
I would receive a tulip. Everyone I ask 
doesn't seem to have an answer on 
where it came from or why it's here.
The bright purple faded a bit within 
a few hours of appearing. The purple
stem now has some red in it. It's too soon
to say what this plant is or if it means
anything at all.

The Beauty of Spring

Rebirth

The earth is alive again,
the smells of recently bloomed flowers 
linger thru the afternoon air.
It will fade by summer,
but at this moment, they're wild.
Reminder

Life never sits still,
it's constantly moving, whether you like it or not.
It's our jobs as humans are to evolve with the times.
Move forward instead of back,
focusing on the past will only repeat history.
Learn from their mistakes instead of making them again.
Reflect

Smile as the sun sets later in the day.
The colors on earth and in the sky reflect hope.
Hope that change will come one day.
Hope that things won't stay the same.
Admire the beauty, keep moving forward.

Before I Say Hello

Before I say hello,
I acknowledge
to myself
what will happen. 
I will stutter. 
Sometime throughout 
the string of words 
that will flow
out of my mouth, 
there will be a bump.
It’s inevitable. 
This is okay. 
A bump 
or two 
of three
won’t kill my flow. 
A big bump 
that causes me 
to use a trick 
won’t stop me 
from speaking. 
What’s important 
is that I share 
my thoughts. 
I speak for
my voice,
my voice
does not 
speak for me.
I continue to learn 
how to navigate 
the strong waters 
when there’s an uptick 
in my stutter. 
How I approach 
conversations has shifted.
I have gained
an awareness
I never could 
have predicted.
I still say 
what I want 
but I may not 
ramble on the way 
I once did 
when I was comfortable 
with the stutter I knew.
For things have shifted
and that’s okay,
It’s apart of stuttering,
nothing is certain.

Time is My Only Healer

"We will just wait," my doctor reassures me at the end of another long visit.

The limited resources I have to aid my symptoms 
cause more damage than improvement.

So I accept what I cannot change
and wait for change to occur.

I just got my vision back after months of fuzziness,
oh what it's like to see clearly, such a wonderful thing.

With new glasses, my vision is close to what it was
before it drifted away without saying goodbye.

I accept this knowing my vision will likely shift
once again within the next few months.

As I wait for time to go by, I thank modern medicine
for relieving me from my personal hell for the moment.

These obstacles I face have no solution or cure,
the only thing I have on my side is time.

In time, this disease will pass thru my body
and one day it will become a memory.

There's no telling when that will happen,
every person who has this is completely different.

One year, two years, will eventually 
blend together in my depths of my mind.