The sounds of a cold echo between buildings. He ignores the coughing and sneezing, Turning up the volume on his headphones, Blasting a rock song into his brain. Everyone's worried for no reason. That's his mantra for the madness. He walks into a bar as rain begins to fall. There are people gathered together in booths. By looks on their faces, they're clearly concerned. While those at the bar seemingly don't care. He chooses to sit at the bar. A robot bartender greets him by name, Then asks if he'd like his usual. He nods and looks around at the people beside him. Most are lost in their phones, sipping on their drinks. The guy beside him is playing Candy Crush. He wins a level and orders another drink to celebrate. People in the booths are speaking in hushed tones, Whispering their worries to avoid hisses and eye rolls. He takes off his headphones. Right away he notices the imbalance in noise. Everyone's worried for no reason. Another man walks in and sits on the other side of him. The second man nods at the first man, orders a beer, Then sneezes into his elbow. Those in the booths aren't pleased by his behavior. The first man rolls his eyes. The robot bartender hands the second man his drink, Then asks how he's doing since his wife passed. He shrugs, shakes his head, then takes a gulp of his beer. The first man looks at the second man, Wondering how his wife died. The second man sees him staring. A subtle look confirms his suspicion. He sneezes again then finishes his beer. Some sitting in the booths exit quickly, Clearly repulsed by his cold. He pays for the beer. The second man nods at the first man before heading out. Solidarity isn't the right word. Those sitting at the bar are perplexed, Uncertain of what to make of their carelessness. Maybe everyone's worried for a reason? An eerie chill moves up his spine. Something suddenly doesn't feel right. He pays for the drink then gets ready to make a swift exit. As he walks out, he nods to those still left in the booths. Escaping into the night, he leaves his music off, Replaying what just happened in his head.
Change in Vision
Once again, I'm dealing with a shift of something I cannot control. My eyes are at the mercy of time and decrease swelling. This last week, I've noticed an increase of in double vision. In looking at my phone or reading a book, words split suddenly. This morning, I woke up to a reality hovering over each other. Everything on my floor was either stretched or doubled. I haven't experienced looking forward with double vision. Certainly not when waking up. It's always been looking up. I want to document these changes as they happen. I had another poem for today but that changed. It's always an unsettling reality to live in. Experiencing new double vision is never not jarring. I have hope that this is another step closer. Another step to being done with this disease.
Settle into the Moment
I’m surrounded by people. I do not speak. I half-listen as my mind bounces around from one thought to another. I catch words here and there. I clap and don’t realize I’m clapping. Awareness allows me to settle into the moment. It takes several tries and I’m still not sure I got it. I check my phone. I turn off my phone. I adjust my purse that’s resting on my leg. I try to make sense of what is said. When I recognize a word, I understand begin to get it. I get down on myself for not being more educated. I spiral, come back, and adjust within a moment. I settle in, sip some water, and laugh when it’s appropriate. My stomach gurgles. I decide to wait until this is over to eat. I grasp what I want to hear and continue on my way. I’m now talking and somehow unaware of my words. My mind has wandered off, only vaguely keeping tabs on the conversation. When I walk away, I realize I spoke too much, I remind myself to be mindful to allow my mind to stay present. The more I'm aware, the easier I can find a balance. This is what I tell myself, hoping it will one day stick.
Turn Off
The tv is too loud, screaming news overwhelmingly bleak. So I leave it off and turn to books and podcasts. I turn off my phone for hours at a time. I turn off social media and embrace the quiet. I lie down with a pillow over my eyes, listening to a story. I sit by the fire and read. I sit in the stillness. I read a book o poems. I give myself space to feel my feelings. I send a friend a podcast I'm enjoying, thinking she will like it.
healing
breathe in breathe out through the belly close my eyes focus on nothing calm the mind stop overthinking i'm healing my body is doing what it's supposed to do things are improving round up my distractions they no longer serve me their familiarity isn't comforting like breathing is in and out in and out distractions don't cause my feelings to magically leave pushing them away does not make them go away belly breathing allows me to acknowledge how i feel while calming them down i'm healing i will be okay inhale exhale inhale exhale
My Body Remembers
My body remembers feeling the pain. I wasn't supposed to feel pain. And yet, it's ingrained in my body. Something went wrong. Nothing's wrong now. And yet, I'm crying. The fear my body holds is visceral. My brain tries to calm me down. It does not work. I keep crying, I breathe. I panic. I breathe. I panic. Back and forth. Back and forth. I'm 26. I'm 12. I'm 26. I'm 12. I scream. My body's response. The memory plays. My body remembers. I'm aware of the why. My brain is calm. My brain is silent. My body shakes.
When Time Slowed Down
When I was a child, time moved slowly. I’d go out front and climb the tree that was in our yard. I felt like I was out there for hours when it was probably about thirty minutes. I was present. I wasn’t distracting myself with my own thoughts. I wasn’t worried about what I had done that day or what I still needed to do.
As I’ve gotten older, the time has sped up. Days go by quicker. Time is so easy to access. It’s in our cars, on our phones, and microwaves. We’re reminded throughout our days where we are in time. The more we’re reminded, the quicker the days go.
The other day, I felt time slow down. I was resting my eyes for an hour. I put my eye pillow over my eyes and settled into the darkness. I was listening to a New Yorker article that lasted one hour and eight minutes.
I probably spent the last thirty minutes of that sixty-eight minutes thinking the hour was almost up. But the article continued on and I kept guessing when would be over. Normally, I would give up before the hour was over because I would get restless. But every time I would adjust the pillow over my eyes, I would get hints of how bright the light was in my room. Then I’d relax into the comfort of the darkness.
For the first time, I welcomed the slowness of time. I trusted that the hour would be up eventually. And when it was I got up and walked to the bathroom to open up my eyes. I felt more relaxed than I had in a long time.
Quiet Mind
I sit in a room with my legs crossed and my hands on my knees. I’m focused on my breath, trying hard to ignore my racing thoughts. The music is relaxing and the yoga teacher is the only one who is speaking. Her presence is calming and trusting. I feel safe. I’m trying to get my mind to feel the same. Halfway through the class, my thoughts halt. I’m left with a quiet mind. It’s a very rare experience for me. After yoga, my mind remains quiet. Everything that captured my attention before class quickly washes away. My mind isn’t rushing or holding onto burdening thoughts. I’m present, I’m relaxed, I’m quiet. I don’t speak. I sit on my bed with a heating pad on my shoulder, taking refugee in these rare moments of solace within myself.
Beginning of a New Decade – A Macro Perspective
I watch
this country
grapple with
staggering events
by joking
and sharing
memes as
another country’s
trying to
gain control of
powerful flames.
Because that’s
how difficult
stuff is
dealt with,
creating light
to process
the heavy
weight.
I don’t
have answers,
I barely
have questions.
I hope
everything will
be okay.
I’m just
not sure
that’s what’s
needed.
My Favorite Books of the Decade!
Dear Reader,
This isn’t the usual blog post you’re used to reading every week. I wanted to switch things up a bit for my final blog post of the year (and the decade!). Beneath this note is a list of my 40 favorite books I’ve read in the last decade! The organization of the list below is as follows:
Fiction
Non-Fiction
Essays
Poetry
Miscellaneous
I only chose books that were published in the last decade. I read so many amazing books that I had to narrow the list down. I’ve always loved books but my passion for writing definitely reignited my passion for reading. If you do end up buying or reading any of this books, please refer back to this post once you’re done and let me know what you think!
I really appreciate everyone who took some time to read my blog posts this year. It really means a lot to me to have people who read my blog every week! I hope you all have a safe and warm New Years with the ones you love. I look forward to seeing what the new decade has in store!
Best Wishes & Happy New Year!
Kelly
