“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion
There’s light in the darkness,
you just have to find it.
When everything floats away from you,
you can’t focus on anything
beyond the buzzing sound
your fear makes in your thoughts.
You float away in your daydreaming,
you stay there for years without seeing.
It becomes your norm overnight,
you follow the phases of the moon,
count on one hand the shooting stars
you drew from memory with your finger tips
when the sky fades to blue on days in late summer.
I drive down snowy roads
along the coast
listening to chappell roan
trying to stay warm
trying to stay sane
in these months
where the sun doesn't shine
and snow drifts into piles
taller than me
No one tells you about
the noise of an earthquake,
at least the shallow ones anyway.
The loud bang,
it sounds like your house
is going to explode,
like the earth is going
to swallow you whole.
The way it came through
like a freight train
moving under the ground.
The sound had me questioning
what the hell was happening.
Everything shook for 15-20 seconds,
it felt like time had stopped.
It didn’t help I was on the floor
in the middle of a mediation
when everything started shaking.
I wandered around my living room,
while my reality shifted dramatically
distracted by the overwhelming noise
that shook me to my core.
Next time I know to stand
in the doorway.
We only accept change after its happened.
We live amongst each other,
keeping our space
while still acknowledging we share
the same air
whether we like it or not.
The less we knew,
the less we continued to care.
We cared until we moved on
to other things.
It happened gradually
over a year or two.
The obsessions we had
disbursed into new interests.
The day people stopped talking
I was in a crowded coffee shop
and realized no one was speaking.
I screamed so loud
birds flew into the sky.
I am trying to talk to people
and they're unable to hear me.
The people looked frozen
in the radiating heat of the train car.
Feeling alone amongst people
is the best way to be alone.
I unpack the layers of my thoughts.
I rearrange the clothes in the suitcase to
accommodate our current relationship.
Denial is a funny color on you.
Shedding one layer at a time
Details remain clear
But will not be mentioned here.
In a crowded room,
I am an observer.
I have no interest
in playing your mind games.
Seeing things that aren’t there
is just a waste of time.
It's an honest mistake
when you believe a lie
for so long.
Your words stick to my brain like glue
It takes a very long time to let go of you.
My fear overwhelms a whole room
Overflowing through doorless entry ways
The tv is left on.
No one is in the room to watch it.
When someone is honest with you,
don't try to justify their truth
to suit your emotions,
for they’re too busy with their lives
to give a damn.
What they to do you
unintentionally,
how they make you feel
unknowingly.
I untangle myself from
the habits and stories
that once served me graciously.
Happiness is thinking about a street
then accidentally turning down it.
Healing is a process that will not fit
neatly into a linear time frame.
It may take months or even years but with time,
you will care less.
I breathe in patience,
I breathe out worry.
I inhale good emotions,
I exhale useless ones.
I hold onto the little
I can control,
I let go of the rest.
I watch with bated breath
on my phone of images of LA
going up in flame.
An eerie glimpse of
the future is here,
when the city of stars
becomes engulfed in
a ring of fire,
it leaves me wondering
how climate change will
impact life going forward.
It doesn't snow in New England
the way it once did,
strong winds move through
the winter months with
an occasional dusting.
The weather is changing,
the climate is changing,
what happens next,
I wait with bated breath.
Time moved slow today,
like it did
when I was a child.
It’s a beautiful thing
to regain a part of me
I thought was lost
in my childhood,
succumbed to time
and disassociating aging.
Alas I have garnered it,
made it my own,
welcomed it whole.
Sometimes it’s best to
feel the slowness of time
how the day moves at the pace
you choose to be present
with the hours, not wanting
to speed up, embracing boredom
like an old friend our society
tries to hide with apps and
not wanting to be left behind.
I end the year feeling achy.
This has been a time
Filled with much personal growth
It’s hard work to look in the mirror
And understand my patterns.
Connect the dots of the past
So I no longer feel numb.
My emotions I suppressed for so long.
I can be so mean to myself-
A subconscious habit that became
White noise in my brain decades ago.
Through all this digging, I feel hope.
This time last year, and the year before,
And so on and so forth, I was numb.
As I am writing this, I am thawing.
Sometimes I can freeze but I am learning
How not to repeat history,
How to do things differently.
Not only am I trying to
Become a better version of myself,
I am becoming a better person
Who gives herself credit
For feeling all the things.
To embrace all the hard
Uncomfortable feelings
And show them love, not shame.
I’ve always known I am different,
It’s learning how to accept myself
again and again and again.
Turning down the inner critic
Who has nothing new
Or interesting to say.
I’ve heard it all before anyway.
I take the ocean view home
Less people, no stop lights
Most nights, the coast is dark
Like a stage play in-between acts
Except on nights like this
Where the moon is full
And the view is stunningly clear
In the particular light
The clouds hover over the water
Like puffs of smoke
The salt water mirrors the sky only
Waves adding ripples to the clouds
The wind is strong and cold
But you, reader, would never know
December making it’s appearance
A beautiful sight worth stopping for
Christmas lights
Chilly nights
Long winded conversations
Through telephone calls
Trying to make sense
Of the complexities
Human nature has to offer
How the mind copes
In mysterious ways
I remain grateful
For twinkling lights
Contrasting a pale pink sky
And a beautiful moon
Bringing me back to
The present when I lose sight
Kelly Severseike 