I watch boats on the water as the sun sets the waves causing unsteadiness the heat of summer has come leaving me wandering around marveling at how the different temperatures make me feel changes my mental landsape bringing light back into my days after months of darkness I am reminded how much I love the sun on my skin even when I get burned I mistake it for love lose my mind a bit get pulled under only to return to the surface stand on the sidewalk beside my car watching life continue on feeling the warmth of lingering light in late June
The evenings spent driving along the coast reminders of living my internal reality becomes a scapegoat when the waters become unstable I drive along finding peace within the colors in the east above the ocean the backdrop mirroring the sun saying goodnight I come back to myself when I escape for a bit I learn not to judge the ways in which I turn in order to get through another day.
I wander through a crowd of people. The night is young, the band is alive with the music they’re playing under the stars. Summer, the months in the northern hemisphere where the sun warms the earth, the light stays late as the days drift by in a blur, a hazy hot blur, where walking outside feels like stepping into a warm pool without decision. I continue my winter habits, layers of blankets cover my limbs, only to be pushed away while in a dreamscape. I embrace the green on the leaves and the shade of blue covering cloudless skies beyond the water. It is here, I inhale easy, it is here, I am free.
This is a message, a reminder to balance when you feel adrift. from your body that you’ll be steady, that you will find calm, that you will be neutral once again with time and clarity brings peace only steadiness will provide, stay strong through these challenging days where reality spins faster than your brain can comprehend. You acknowledge the distance between your fingers on the keyboard and your mind adrift from the present, breathe in and find camaraderie in what is happening now.
I call them loops. They loop around my brain causing me to question. When things are bad I push through, when things are good, I delusionally think they can always be this way, that my emotions aren’t severely impacted if I know this level of calm. It’s a lie I fall myself, every single time and without fail, I am reminded of the power my body possesses, how things shift rapidly, how I learn the extremes between calm days and heavy haze inside my brain.
Feeling the air leave your lungs making a rush of energy leave your body to turn the flame into smoke then cut the cake to mark another year of this beautiful life.
Growing up is learning how to connect the mind to the body. These strange days are filled with delicate daydreams and mind games. I follow the moon but find the sun, listen to the waves constantly telling me to love myself for who I am and how I see, how I am not trying to be someone I’m not, only someone I can look back on and be proud of the self-awareness I gained along the way.
You loved your garden. You were always so proud of the flowers that bloomed. So much so you would pick one to show me then put it in a small vase on the kitchen table then remark for days how beautiful your flower was and how extraordinary it was that something so lovely could grow from the ground because of your love and care. You were so patient with them, then so happy when they’d bloom. You called me over while kneeling on the hill to marvel at the colors or growth of a plant that wasn’t doing so well the day before. You asked me to help you stand. I don’t move around like I used to, you said. I laughed, I’m impressed you’re able to move around like this at 85. Every time I photograph a flower, I think of you.
Lives interconnect with a single song, a classic one brings back memories good and bad when moments occurred that were out of their control where destiny calls could not be ignored rolling down California roads watching the sun fall below the sea a tune comes blasting through space a reminder of what was, what is, what is no longer here one person’s negativity is another person’s positivity how you feel when one wronged you let it be known as you watch balloons fly into the night sky dance as though this is your last night find happiness in the dark dance like a ballerina making trails in the sand.
May I lead the way through these delicate daydreams along the sea by the flowers under the sun I listen to music and find peace with what I do not know beyond now.
