“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion
I watch with bated breath
on my phone of images of LA
going up in flame.
An eerie glimpse of
the future is here,
when the city of stars
becomes engulfed in
a ring of fire,
it leaves me wondering
how climate change will
impact life going forward.
It doesn't snow in New England
the way it once did,
strong winds move through
the winter months with
an occasional dusting.
The weather is changing,
the climate is changing,
what happens next,
I wait with bated breath.
Time moved slow today,
like it did
when I was a child.
It’s a beautiful thing
to regain a part of me
I thought was lost
in my childhood,
succumbed to time
and disassociating aging.
Alas I have garnered it,
made it my own,
welcomed it whole.
Sometimes it’s best to
feel the slowness of time
how the day moves at the pace
you choose to be present
with the hours, not wanting
to speed up, embracing boredom
like an old friend our society
tries to hide with apps and
not wanting to be left behind.
I end the year feeling achy.
This has been a time
Filled with much personal growth
It’s hard work to look in the mirror
And understand my patterns.
Connect the dots of the past
So I no longer feel numb.
My emotions I suppressed for so long.
I can be so mean to myself-
A subconscious habit that became
White noise in my brain decades ago.
Through all this digging, I feel hope.
This time last year, and the year before,
And so on and so forth, I was numb.
As I am writing this, I am thawing.
Sometimes I can freeze but I am learning
How not to repeat history,
How to do things differently.
Not only am I trying to
Become a better version of myself,
I am becoming a better person
Who gives herself credit
For feeling all the things.
To embrace all the hard
Uncomfortable feelings
And show them love, not shame.
I’ve always known I am different,
It’s learning how to accept myself
again and again and again.
Turning down the inner critic
Who has nothing new
Or interesting to say.
I’ve heard it all before anyway.
I take the ocean view home
Less people, no stop lights
Most nights, the coast is dark
Like a stage play in-between acts
Except on nights like this
Where the moon is full
And the view is stunningly clear
In the particular light
The clouds hover over the water
Like puffs of smoke
The salt water mirrors the sky only
Waves adding ripples to the clouds
The wind is strong and cold
But you, reader, would never know
December making it’s appearance
A beautiful sight worth stopping for
Christmas lights
Chilly nights
Long winded conversations
Through telephone calls
Trying to make sense
Of the complexities
Human nature has to offer
How the mind copes
In mysterious ways
I remain grateful
For twinkling lights
Contrasting a pale pink sky
And a beautiful moon
Bringing me back to
The present when I lose sight
Look out when you get the chance
Until you can’t see me past the horizon
On sunny days in quiet seasons
I sit in my car by the sidewalk
Glancing towards the infinite direction
Waiting for time to pass
Coming back to myself
Losing another moment to old habits
Each day is different
Some lessons have to be continually learned
Meeting myself with love, not shame
Watching the sea take itself out
Letting me know all the different versions
Of myself come back at different times
Reminding me of how far I’ve come
And inspiring me to share this with you
The full moon
Guides me home
Clear of clouds
Shines so bright
I follow it
Along the coast
A beautiful night
Written on 11/15/2024 at 4:40 PM
The grooves we get into
Shape who we are
The patterns we form
The cycles we continue
Changing them takes patience
Try and try again
You only give up when you die
So breathe in the salt air
And chase the moonrise
Stay for the sunset
Look in awe at the portrait
In the sky not minding
The cold air on your ankles
This wasn’t planned
It doesn’t matter
Only these times
Being present
Finding laughter
The beauty of changing
The grooves the tide
Is coming in now
It will be alright
Once again, history repeats
Like clockwork I am 23 again
Feeling rage at the reality
Only now I am 31 and unsure
Of how this monumental shift
Will change us as humans.
How I wasn’t listening,
I was too busy looking the other way
To see the water had gone out, again.
The blue changes shade depending on
The direction of the sun.
I walk on grooved sand
I am brought back to now
The wind blowing my hair
The waves overpowering
The feelings boiling up inside me.
Written on 11/8/2024 at 11:27 AM
Written on 11/6/2024 at 11:19 PM
Sadness hugs me like a warm blanket
I don’t understand how I got here
All day I’ve been wandering around thinking,
Not again?! How is this happening??
Someone asked me if I had a good day,
I paused then lied and said yes because in that moment
I realized I was in shock and couldn’t understand
How anyone could be having a good day on this day.
But many keep on and carry on with their lives.
They accept what is and move on. I accept what is,
But I can still be sad about how things panned out.
Allow me and those who are sad to grieve
The loss of what could have been.
I worry for the women I know and love,
I worry for every human who is seen
As less than by the law and who live in fear
When they themselves aren’t hurting anyone,
Who are scared to live authentically,
To love who they love or be who they are
Without fear of harm from those who oppose.
I worry for future generations,
We will have to be the ones dealing with
The consequences of these times
When the older generations are long gone.
I worry for the earth continuing to warm
And what that means for our society.
I worry for the intelligence and the state of education
In this country, how false information can be believed
So quickly. I am not telling you what to believe in,
Believe how you may in whatever brings you peace.
I want to believe people are kind and care
About everyone but maybe I was too quick
In imagining we had gone more forward than we had.
We’re going back into the past, sometimes a lesson has
To be learned twice for it to stick.
The outcome is done, it is what it is, I don’t understand
How anyone could think this is the right direction
But that’s neither here nor there now.
Maybe once the shock wears off, I’ll be able
To process this gravity shift we’re experiencing.
Maybe I’ll be able to cry but for now,
Another glass of wine.
Some exceptions can be made
In trying times.
Kelly Severseike 