“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion
Listening to the birds sing
I drink my morning coffee
I will not finish.
I wrestle my thoughts
calming them down the way
a teacher tries to get
1st graders attention
“Shhhhh, if everyone speaks
all at once, no one will be heard.”
People walk
in the haze
I watch
with amaze
their ability
to remain
stable where
they cannot
see.
They move
as if nothing
spectactular
is happening
in front of
them, as if
they could
disappear
and not be
seen again.
The body remains
grounded to
earth, the mind
adjusts, normalizes
these unstabilizing
moments.
In the summer
the spirals
of my mind
drift
differently.
They linger
longer --
causing
the haze
to steady
instead of
dissipate.
I wander
throughout
the busyness
of the season
remaining with
my mouth at
the surface
my body
underneath
the waves.
I listen to loons sing
watch an eagle fly overhead
remind myself to feel the air
leave my lungs
slow down for the moment
its so easy to get lost
in the busyness of the season
so much going on time slips
through the cracks
while I'm not looking
but here is where I watch
the sky turn pink
and appreciate the breeze
against my tanned skin
here is where I am grateful
I watch boats on the water
as the sun sets
the waves causing unsteadiness
the heat of summer has come
leaving me wandering around
marveling at how the different
temperatures make me feel
changes my mental landsape
bringing light back into
my days after months of
darkness I am reminded
how much I love the sun
on my skin even when
I get burned
I mistake it for love
lose my mind a bit
get pulled under
only to return to
the surface
stand on the sidewalk
beside my car
watching life
continue on
feeling the warmth
of lingering light
in late June
The evenings spent driving
along the coast
reminders of living
my internal reality
becomes a scapegoat
when the waters
become unstable
I drive along finding
peace within the colors
in the east above the ocean
the backdrop mirroring
the sun saying goodnight
I come back to myself
when I escape for a bit
I learn not to judge the ways
in which I turn in order
to get through another day.
I wander through a crowd of people.
The night is young, the band is alive
with the music they’re playing under
the stars. Summer, the months in the
northern hemisphere where the sun warms
the earth, the light stays late as the days
drift by in a blur, a hazy hot blur, where
walking outside feels like stepping into a
warm pool without decision. I continue
my winter habits, layers of blankets
cover my limbs, only to be pushed away
while in a dreamscape. I embrace the green
on the leaves and the shade of blue covering
cloudless skies beyond the water. It is here,
I inhale easy, it is here, I am free.
This is a message,
a reminder to balance
when you feel adrift.
from your body
that you’ll be steady,
that you will find calm,
that you will be neutral
once again with time
and clarity brings
peace only steadiness
will provide, stay strong
through these challenging days
where reality spins faster
than your brain can comprehend.
You acknowledge the distance
between your fingers on the keyboard
and your mind adrift from the present,
breathe in and find camaraderie
in what is happening now.
I call them loops.
They loop around my brain
causing me to question.
When things are bad
I push through, when things
are good, I delusionally think
they can always be this way,
that my emotions aren’t severely
impacted if I know this level
of calm. It’s a lie I fall myself,
every single time and without fail,
I am reminded of the power my body
possesses, how things shift rapidly,
how I learn the extremes between
calm days and heavy haze inside my brain.
Feeling the air
leave your lungs
making a rush
of energy
leave your body
to turn the flame
into smoke
then cut the cake
to mark another year
of this beautiful life.
Kelly Severseike 