Morning Crossword

The open screen door lets the cool morning air into the kitchen. Water is heating in a pot that’s on a circle plugged into the wall sitting on the counter. I open my computer and do a New York Times’ crossword puzzle as I wait for the boiling point. When I hear the circle turn off from a click on the top of the pot, I grab a mug, pour the water, add a tea bag, and return to the crossword. The more I do crossword puzzles, the easier they become. My double vision comes and goes depending on what angle my eyes are facing. I grab a sweater to warm the goosebumps on my arm. My day usually begins this way. Some details may shift just slightly but it’s more or less like this.

Patterns of Summer Rain

 I look out to the west to see 
 the mountains have vanished 
 underneath a blanket of heavy 
 rain clouds. For hours, I wait for 
 the rain to fall. Sometimes, it comes 
 and passes within minutes. Other times,
  like today, it lingers for hours, teasing 
 its arrival while never actually 
 making its way to the plains.

II

There’s a split in my reality 
 every morning and night. 
 When what I see doubles 
 into this hallucination like state, 
 my brain is confused. My eyes 
 don’t work together for longer than 
 twelve hours a day. Individually,
 they’re fine. Left is down 
 and right is up. If I cover one, 
 my vision is single and up 
 or single and down. 
 Whatever I’m looking at 
 will move to a different space 
 without me moving my head. 
 I try my best to fight it until 
 my eyes are no longer cooperating 
 and I’m forced to go to bed.

Trials and Tribulations

When I started my blog a year ago, I didn’t expect to be dealing with the issues I have now. Last year, I was just diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and finishing up my degree in English. These last few months have been defined by my health, particularly my thyroid eye disease. It’s sad but true. Eyes are a huge part of everyone’s life and when they’re sick, it takes a tremendous toll on how one might move about their life.

Last week, I went on a cruise with my dad’s side of the family. While it was great to see other places and learn about different cultures, it’s also difficult to be in the Caribbean when I’m extremely light sensitive. I started the trip with some daily headaches and no real eye problems. But by mid week, I was having a lot of double vision and my eyes were finished with the sun. Trading headaches for burning eyes and double vision wasn’t ideal, to say the least.

Before this last week, I had a few weeks of minimal eye problems. Thyroid eye disease has its ups and downs, some times are better than others. The months before my brief plateau were brutal. A lot of irritation, swelling, and double vision. One thing after another happened. The weeks prior to the cruise, my eyes weren’t my main worry. I certainly had concerns about my eyes going into the trip and how they could react to travel. But they weren’t entirely on the forefront until they began their downward spiral once more.

What these last few months have taught me is to expect the worst and hope for the best. It’s a weird way to live but it’s better to be mentally prepared for something to go wrong so that when it does, I can tread through rocky waters as calmly as possible. And when something does go wrong, I try to find the good in those situations. Things could be worse than they are. At least I can see out of both eyes. This is a difficult moment but it won’t least forever.

Outside of the Box

 Society has a standard for everyone.
 If you’re outside of the cookie cutter 
 Example, then you’re deemed as different.
 As we grow up, we realize we all have our
 Struggles and strides, we're all different in
 Some shape or form. Though, those who
 Are capable of protecting what makes them
 Different are lucky. Those who are able to blend
 In to the normal and can pass don’t have to worry
 About discrimination. 
  
 As Pride Month comes to a close, I was to highlight
 Those who celebrate in the month of June: 
 Lesbians. Gays. Bisexual. Trans. Queer. +.
 Those who choose to live out and proud as well as
 Those who cannot embrace who they are because
 Of the circumstances they’re in.
  
 People of the LGBTQ+ community 
 live outside of the box of societal norms.  
 While they’re embraced by many,
 They’re also scorned for loving someone
 Of the same sex or for embracing who
 They really are.
  
 Living inside the box is boring. 
 Being a cookie cutter version of everyone
 Else isn’t fun or unique.
 Embracing who you are, even to yourself,
 And accepting your differences is beautiful.
  
 There’s no shame in being who you are,
 It’s everyone else who can’t understand you
 Who has it wrong.

Love Isn’t Defined by Gender

 Love isn't defined by gender.

 But we live in a society where
 Many people are still taught
 Love between a man and a woman is natural
 And everything else is sinful.

This teaching is dangerous because 
It leads to shame for those who love people
Outside the heteronormative view.

Acceptance for the LGBTQ+ community has grown
Over the last couple of years
And it's delightful to see so much rainbow
Throughout the month of June.
 
But there are still people
Who are in the closet because they're fearful
Of how their family members will respond, 
Knowing their views aren't loving.

Love is a natural feeling
between people of all sexes,
not just a man and a woman.

Anyone who feels shame and fear,
know that you are not alone.
Anyone who hates gays,
you're living in the dark age.

The Lies You Unlearn

For some people, who they love 
takes time to figure out. 
They are taught by social constructs
that liking someone of the same sex is different. 
As a kid, you don't want to be seen as different, 
you want to fit in with your peers as best you can. 
So you mask who you are for a version of yourself
who manipulates their perspective 
to match how you see everyone else. 
It's a protection mechanism,  
keeping yourself  safe during 
uncertain times (aka: the teenage years). 
It's only as an adult do you
begin to unlearn the lies 
that have been defining your own
perspective your whole life. 
Lies can make you believe
things that aren't true while 
feelings you tried to suppress 
tell you who you really are. 
You learn that it's okay 
to stand out instead of following the crowd. 
The opinion you have of yourself is more important 
than other people's opinions of you.
You learn that most people aren't "normal" 
and telling yourself the truth
of who you are is more liberating 
than you ever could have imagined 
the day you put on the mask.