Kelly Severseike

What I’ve Been Clicking On – Part 6

Summer

I love how summer returns you to yourself – Alex Dimitrov

Summer is approaching.
The warm air has returned.
I'm happy taking photos of flowers
and staying outside for hours.
This is when I can breathe
without worrying about
my lungs freezing.
I pay attention
while getting lost
in my thoughts,
it's a balancing act
I can never fully figure out.

What I’ve Been Clicking On – Part 5

Stillness

Noun.
When my thoughts become overwhelming,
I put my phone down and reset.
I walk outside,
sit somewhere quiet,
and soak up the stillness.
Sometimes it works,
sometimes it doesn't.
I'm a work in progress
in this journey called life.

What I’ve Been Clicking On – Part 4

I’ve been into photography for quite a few years now. I love capturing a moment and focusing on details that are often overlooked. Below are some of my favorites. You can check out more of my photography here.

Self-Love

Noun.

I’m no longer willing to sit in my past
watching everything I did wrong pass by me.
Instead of feeling shame, I'm choosing love.
It's a choice that has to be made often
but it gets easier the more I'm aware of
how I'm talking to myself.

I'm choosing to give myself love by
living in the present.
When I get caught up in an anxious
thought, I respond with forgiveness
instead of judgment.

I sit outside as often
as I can because I feel better.
When I sit outside, I'm present.
I feel the warm air on my skin,
I breathe in the alluring
smells of nearby flowers.
I can sit with a book and
be totally happy.

What I’ve Been Clicking On – Part 3

Oliva Rodrigo’s Sour
Oprah and Prince Harry’s Apple TV+ show about mental health.
Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes’ Calm Series
This incredible conversation with Brene Brown and Ashley C. Ford.
This insightful conversation between Prince Harry on Armchair Expert.
Demi Lovato coming out as non-binary
This photo of Milo Ventimiglia directing an episode of This Is Us and Mandy Moore in old-age makeup.
Kaia Gerber on the summer cover of Vogue.
An article from the New York Times about fully-vaccinated people choosing to keep their masks on.
Storms can looks beautiful.

Ten Years

I recently came across a photo I posted on Facebook ten years ago. I took the photo on Photo Booth ten days before getting jaw surgery. It’s clear in the photo how prominent my lower jaw was in front of my upper jaw. I had a mouth full of braces, that’s why I’m not smiling. I look at this photo and I can feel the anxiety and anticipation of what’s to come.

While I had talked to a few people about their experience with jaw surgery and the surgeons told me what to expect, I went in pretty unaware of the reality of getting jaw surgery. I got fluid in my lungs when they were pulling the ventilator out and I had to be on oxygen for a month (I have COPD from being born three months early so fluid in my lungs quite difficult). My jaw was numb for 2/3 months after my jaw surgery. I still don’t have feeling on one side of my chin. My mom had to blend up potatoes and chicken broth so I would come down for dinner. I survived on smoothies for a while.

After my jaw surgery, I wasn’t taught how to move my jaw. I spent the eight years with so much tension in my jaw because I was scared to move it and mess something up. Then I developed TMJ and had to go to physical therapy. The physical therapist taught me how to move my jaw and relax the muscles in my jaw and neck. He said everyone who has jaw surgery should be sent to PT after they’re healed to learn how to move their jaw properly so they’re not as stiff as I was.

Earlier this year, I had to get a root canal on a tooth that had died. The root of the tooth had become a sliver of its former self. My dentist told me this can happen 10-15 years after surgery. Another thing I didn’t know could happen because of jaw surgery. Luckily, the tooth wasn’t hurting at all. Although, I was warned I had to have this root canal because if I lost the tooth, it would mess up my jaw and all the work that was put into getting it the way it is. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

While there have been some unexpected detours after the fact, I’m grateful I had jaw surgery. I can speak cleary. I feel more comfortable. After learning how to move my jaw, I’m able to eat on both sides of my mouth. It was a very difficult summer of healing but it was so worth it.

Cycles

Noun.
This is how I experience
a cycle of anxiety.
It's when my body senses danger,
and my mind springs into action.
It happens in a split second,
even when there's no danger to be found.
I become distant from my thoughts.
It's like I'm watching a movie
that plays the same scene on repeat.
When I was younger, I felt comfort
when in this headspace.
This was my safe place to escape.
Now I'm just annoyed that the narrative
doesn't go anywhere.
I have become aware of when this happens,
how this happens, why this happens.
I'm learning how to breathe through it,
I'm reminded that I don't live here anymore.
A cycle of anxiety passes over me
like a wave, I get lost in the current
for a split second, only to come up
and see I'm in an empty movie theatre
with the lights up.
I'm not who I was when I was younger.
I no longer live in these cycles.
I say hi every once in a while
when I'm bored or triggered
by trauma.
But I always find my way
back to myself.
These cycles are waves that pass.
My anxiety calms with my awareness
to know I have grown from
the stories of my past.
I prefer to remain
on the beach instead.