Have you’ve been having crazy dreams lately? I noticed I’ve had an increase in nightmares a few nights ago. Weird dreams that bring out my worst fears. Such as being left by someone I’m close or hiding from someone who doesn’t have good intentions. I’ve only woken up once this week and felt shaken by my dreams. Thankfully, I haven’t had trouble sleeping and I was able to get back to sleep rather quickly.
There’s no denying the weirdness of this time. I go on walks every day it’s nice outside. Walking through neighborhoods where everyone is shut inside their homes gives me an eerie feeling. I feel like I’m in a film where everyone left town and I didn’t get the memo. So I’m left wandering through quiet neighborhoods, wondering what the hell happened to everyone.
I’ve been having migraines lately. I’m taking them as a good sign. Before I was diagnosed with Thyroid Eye Disease and before I had a lot of swelling around my eyes, I had a lot of migraines. I’ve had a couple of migraines since as things with my eyes were shifting. So I’m presuming this sudden increase in migraines is change with the swelling surrounding both of my eyes. Things are happening! It’s certainly not fun but it gives me hope that this disease is doing what it’s supposed to do in order to eventually leave my body.
Stay safe. Drink water. Don’t even consider trying to consume any cleaning products. Wear a mask when you’re outside your home. Take care of yourself.
In these times, we're experiencing the peaks and valleys
of life in a condensed period. Emotions are higher
with people being more vulnerable and more fearful
of what could happen. While others are bored out
of their minds and want anything to do, including
breaking the orders that are in place. We are inside
for a reason. And even as things begin to lift, life isn't
going to look the way it did before. It's going to be
different for a while. Right now, it feels like multiple
days in a single day. A week feels like a month
has gone by. In the weeks we've been stuck inside,
it feels as though it's been at least a year, if not more.
But because we're staying indoors and not congregating
in public places, many hospitals, at least where I live,
aren't overwhelmed by patients sick with the virus.
We're flattening the curve by staying home.
Sooner or later, the country will begin to
reopen. It will be a process. I hope people don't
overstep too quickly and cause a bigger mess than there
was to begin with. If we want to get through this,
we all have to be mindful of one another and
work together to stop the spread of this virus.
Double vision is no longer interrupting my days.
I can stay up until 1am without my reality splitting apart.
I can wake up without objects in my room hovering over each other.
People no longer have four eyes when I look at them!
I do have a little double on the outer edges of my vision,
But it's nothing like it was and it's wonderful.
With everything going on, my eyes have taken a backseat
On my list of things to worry about.
There are more important things to be concerned about.
Like staying healthy, drinking water, keeping six feet away
From other people, washing my hands, not touching my face.
My eyes were everything I was concerned about last year.
They were constantly up and down.
I couldn't predict where they would be or how I would feel.
Then a global pandemic occurs and my double vision decides
To walk out the backdoor without saying goodbye.
I'm incredibly grateful and fortunate that my eyes are improving.
It's also nice to share some happy news right now.
After eighteen months, I see light at the end of the tunnel.
The first quote in The New York Time’s Plague Season, Through the Eyes of Writersis by Virginia Woolf. “It was an uncertain spring.” Uncertain is a good way to put it. We don’t know how long this will last or what will happen when life is allowed to slowly wake up again. There’s a lot of uncertainty going on.
This spring has been more interesting than most. People are staying inside. Things are looking up because of it. But, it’s difficult to be going through this when there are so many mixed messages about everything regarding this situation. Things change every day. It shows that health organizations are run by humans and this new virus takes quite some time to fully understand. How helpful are masks? Is walking outside acceptable? Are family members who are also quarantining allowed to come by? What will life be like when we’re allowed to to do things again? What about a second and possibly third wave of this virus? How bad will it get? Each person will have a different response to these questions.
My therapist told me that in a lot of families he deals with, there’s one person who is more cautious than the rest of the family members. I’m that person in my family. I want everyone to be safe, so I want limited contact with the outside world. Both fortunately and unfortunately, you can’t control other people. I can’t control my parents comings and goings. Although, they have become a lot better about staying in because there’s literally nothing to do but go to the store. So they don’t have another choice but to remain indoors.
James Balwin said in his famous speech The Artist’s Struggle for Integrity, “[This is] a time … when something awful is happening to a civilization, when it ceases to produce poets, and, what is even more crucial, when it ceases in any way whatever to believe in the report that only the poets can make.” Writers, poets, and all artists see life differently. This is why they can make the work they do. It’s important to read their work, view their work, understand what they are trying to to say through their art. We all have a unique perspective. To offer some light in the darkness.
Below are some of my favorite quotes from The New York Times link I mentioned at the beginning. Beneath that are some links to some things that have been making me happy lately.
Take care of yourself.
“Some days felt longer than other days. Some days felt like two whole days.” Josua Ferris, Then We Came To The End
“I’ve heard the saying “That sucks” for years without really being sure of what it meant. Now I think I know.” Stephen King, The Stand
“One reason cats are happier than people is that they have no newspapers.” Gwendolyn Brooks, In The Mecca
“Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave.” Cormac McCarthy, The Road
“Do you periodically walk around and check to see that “the area is secure”?” Padgett Powell, The Interrogative Mood
“I get so lonely sometimes, I could put a box on my head and mail myself to a stranger.” Mary Karr, Lit
“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” Attributed to Jean-Paul Sartre
“How we survived: we locked the doors and let nobody in.” Ellen Bryan Voigt, Kyrie
“If you don’t know the exact moment when the lights will go out, you might as well read until they do.” Clive James, Latest Readings
“When he is sick, every man wants his mother.” Philip Roth, The Anatomy Lesson
I find comfort in writing. It used to be the opposite. I used to be scared to write things down. Because writing things down makes them real. But now I have found there’s a comfort in placing my thoughts down on the page instead of having them consume my brain. If I can let go of my feelings in a creative way, I can process these moments of fear with calm and levity. I can make a cup of tea, write down what I want to say, some of it appears here, some never see the light of day. Writing in moments like these have made me see the light with writing things as they happen instead of writing a reflection. The feelings are different now than they would be writing from memory. Honesty comes from mindfulness which stems from an awareness of understanding what’s happening. It’s difficult to be real and honest when what’s happening isn’t familiar. Coping mechanisms such as avoidance and distractions don’t last when awareness seeps through everything I do. The more I write, the more I let my feelings out, the better perspective I have on everything. I used to fear writing about things in the moment. Now I find comfort in placing my thoughts down on the page then walking away.
I limit how much news I watch and read.
I write every day.
I drink water.
I read books.
I go for walks with my dog.
I hang out with my cat.
I FaceTime with friends.
I do yoga.
I go the therapy.
I meditate a lot.
I color in an adult coloring book.
I check in with myself.
I submit poems to literary magazines.
I listen to music.
I listen to podcasts.
I watch tv and movies.
I get a lot of sleep.
I take naps.
I find balance.
I have hope.
I breathe.
Before you press send, check to make sure the information your sharing is accurate. A quick google search will let you know if the information, article, or quote you gravitated towards is correct. You don’t want to be spreading misinformation.
Labeling anxiety and mental health as negative is harmful. Anxiety is a natural response and many people experience it, including myself. It’s not wrong to be worried or feel anxious right now. It’s not wrong to be worried or feel anxious ever. Learning tools to help your mental health can be beneficial. There’s no shame if you have to take medication for your mental health too. There’s no “one size fits all” category when it comes to what works for people. But labeling it as something negative only causes more negative feelings, which doesn’t make things better. Take care of yourself the best you can.
When going outside for a walk, move to the side when passing people. Keep six feet apart as much as possible. Having both people move to the side widens the gap and keeps everyone safe. It’s only common sense not to take up the whole side walk, especially when walking passed people. Form a single file line if you’re walking in a group. Be respectful and practice social etiquette by social distancing.
No one wants schools to close. No one wants people to lose their jobs. No one wants people to stay in their houses. No one wants the economy to be where it is. No one wants to worry about getting sick. No one wants life to change the way it has. But it has to keep us safe. If we want to get through this, which I think is the general consensus, we have to stay home if we can. For those of you who are healthcare workers, grocery store workers, or any other essential workers who have to work outside the house, thank you for all that you do.
Be smart. Stay safe. Drink water. Wear something over your nose and mouth when going out in public. Cough and sneeze into your arm. Wash your hands.
I’m walking down a trail,
the concrete is hard beneath my feet.
I feel my legs moving me forward.
I cross back and forth
from the sidewalk to grass,
grass to sidewalk,
sidewalk back to grass,
then back to the sidewalk,
when I pass by people.
I’ve realized most walk in clusters,
uncertain of what day it is
or how they got outside.
I simmer my frustration with compassion,
and continue to focus on feeling my body
move forward as the sun falls on my neck.
We’re all a little lost right now.
John Krasinski launched a YouTube show the other day called Some Good News. I watched the first episode and simultaneously laughed and cried. I’ve been relishing in good content as much as I possibly can. Whether it’s cute animal videos on TikTok (links below) or watching late-night talk show hosts work from home, anything that brings me comfort is good.
My anxiety has been all over the place lately. Worrying for myself, my loved ones, and those I know can be overwhelming at moments. Yesterday, I was feeling a lot of physical anxiety. Today, it’s lessened a bit. It comes in waves. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, which brings me both comfort and sadness. We’re all going through this pandemic together as a global community. It can be scary to face an unknown of this magnitude.
What good news and stories have you been digesting? What has kept you afloat during these trying times? Comment below!
Kelly Severseike 